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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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The hidden struggle couples are facing

In yesterday’s post, I presented 4 stages a person/couple must go through to create permanent changes.

If you missed it please click here.

The first step is the start of where a persons breakthrough really starts.

Couples in the process at stage 2 and 3 with me are telling me they can now see very clearly why they were in so much disconnect.

This is important to learn because it allows each person to see the relationship through each other’s perspectives and that helps each person take responsibility for their part in their journey to their crisis.

That first step is Unconscious Incompetence.

It’s important because I know that every couple that comes to me for help is going to be in this space.

They don’t know what they don’t know and this helps them stay disconnected from themselves and each other.

  • Some are disconnected from themselves and they don’t know why.
  • Some have needs that are not being met but they don’t know what those needs are.
  • Some are unaware they feel bad because of their own distorted interpretations of their marriage.
  • Some have belief systems that block their emotional success.
  • Some people have conflict in a way that kills their connection.
  • Some people think that blame and judgments will fix the problems.
  • Some people have no clue what they value and the impact those values will have on them.
  • Many think their partner thinks the same as them.

The process of education to undo distorted thinking is such an important step as it will affect how the person feels and how they show up in the sessions.

You simply cannot put a couple in a process without them understanding what has been happening to them and why.

I hear so many lost opportunities

I remember speaking to a lady whose husband was exiting the marriage but was willing to try counseling.

What you are about to read I have heard a lot so I wanted to help you hear this important perspective.

The process they were in allowed him initially to share his feelings about how hurt he felt, and what she did that in his mind was wrong.

He freely spoke about his upset at her.

He felt good about that part of the process, he got a lot off his chest.

The process then shifted to her feelings and she did the same. She shared her concerns about him and how he also had also failed her.

It’s always the case that there are two sides of pain and suffering.

As soon as he heard her side he stopped the counselling and filed for divorce!

This is the reason I don’t put couples in “the ring” together before they can translate each other correctly

You simply cannot put two people in a room without helping them understand how to hear each other before they start communicating.

Two people in emotional stress are not going to hear each other perspectives correctly or with compassion.

This is why crisis work is so specialised it has to assess what each person will cope with so they stay in a learning state.

A person defending themselves is not learning and is ready to fight or run.

When the couple are on a knifes edge and it could fall either way how their process is handled is critical.

A couple in stress do not need more stress.

You see he was in so much pain through his own interpretation of his wife’s behaviors he couldn’t bear to hear her side so he simply shut down.

It doesn’t mean his interpretation was right, but in the moment perception is everything and this is how reactive destructive decisions can be made.

The problem wasn’t that she also suffered, the problem was he was in so much pain himself it tipped him into hopelessness.

He should never been in that type of meeting with his wife until he had the correct translation of his own emotions and hers first.

He had to be in the right mindset to be able to hear her struggles from a position of learning and growth.

His mindset was simply too defensive.

Without the right connection to himself he would naturally enter survival mode as he heard her criticise him.

In this situation, both the husband and the wife were in the place of Unconscious Incompetence all they were focused on was their own pain.

Their focus was themselves.

The model of a successful relationship is not about “me”. So until they were helped into that success model how were they going to hear each other constructively?

Until they were in a new space of Conscious Incompetence then putting them together to share their feelings would always bring them to blows and more stress is risky when one person is considering their exit.

He had no fight left so in survival mode the exit was all he felt he had left to action.

The moment the process is about learning the couple are in a much better place to ultimately decide the direction their life should take.

Marriage Communication Problems? You’re Probably Speaking Different Languages

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Stephen Hedger
Stephen Hedger
About the author:

Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach

With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.

Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
Stephen Hedger
Latest posts by Stephen Hedger (see all)
  • “What Do You Hear When I Speak?” - July 5, 2025
  • Your Marriage Isn’t Broken — The Pattern Is. Here’s How to Fix It. - July 2, 2025
  • The 5C Marriage Blueprint: The Foundation Every Relationship Needs to Thrive - July 1, 2025

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  • Your Marriage Isn’t Broken — The Pattern Is. Here’s How to Fix It.
  • The 5C Marriage Blueprint: The Foundation Every Relationship Needs to Thrive
  • The Silent Killer of Marriages: When You Stop Being You
  • Emotional Intimacy in Marriage: The Key to Trust, Connection, and Lasting Passion
  • Please Save Our Marriage – My Wife has Asked for a Divorce
  • Loss of Love? How to Save Your Relationship
  • Passionless Marriage: “Sex life dying – want to know why?”
  • Coping with an Affair: How to Rebuild Trust and Save Your Marriage
  • Feeling Torn Between Two Relationships?
  • How to Help Spouse Heal After Affair?

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

From Battlefield to Breakthrough: How to Save Your Marriage Without a Toxic Fight.

January 31, 2025 By Stephen Hedger

Most people who come to me for help believe their marriage is broken, so their level of hope is not high. Many will have tried to fix the problems without success. These people are unaware that there is a critical mindset shift: if you don’t make it, your chances of success dramatically drop. As you […]

“By changing yourself, you can change a relationship… because I did!”

September 16, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

We were in the process of physical separation, with my husband arranging to move out at the end of the month, and I was getting legal advice on proceeding with the divorce.  On one of those distressed and sleepless nights, I came across Stephen’s website and his blog. I was fascinated. What Stephen has written […]

“There’s no hope in hell – I want a divorce!”

April 22, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

So what do you do when the trust is broken so badly that their relationship ends with them selling their family home and moving into separate homes? Most people would consider this the end, but this gentleman decided something different. He wrote to me to see if I could help. I wanted to encourage his […]

Marriage Crisis from Infidelity & Communication Breakdown

August 21, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

Today’s post is about a professional couple in the UK who decided they wanted to share their experience of their tailormade program that was designed to help them out of their marital challenges. They were in crisis due to communication breakdown and infidelity. They had 12 meetings over five months to learn how to reconnect […]

His Marriage was Over!

June 5, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

This man was in the depths of sadness; his marriage was over, but he didn’t want it to be. They had seen numerous counsellors who had all concluded the marriage was indeed over. He had lost all feelings for his wife. Due to being so stuck for so long, he had started an affair. But […]

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Recent Clients: Scotland, Ireland, Texas, New York, Dubai, Los Angeles, Austrailia, Japan, Germany, France, Ireland, UK, Monaco to name a few.

Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems.

Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • “What Do You Hear When I Speak?”
  • Your Marriage Isn’t Broken — The Pattern Is. Here’s How to Fix It.
  • The 5C Marriage Blueprint: The Foundation Every Relationship Needs to Thrive
  • The Silent Killer of Marriages: When You Stop Being You
  • Emotional Intimacy in Marriage: The Key to Trust, Connection, and Lasting Passion

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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