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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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The hidden struggle couples are facing

In yesterday’s post, I presented 4 stages a person/couple must go through to create permanent changes.

If you missed it please click here.

The first step is the start of where a persons breakthrough really starts.

Couples in the process at stage 2 and 3 with me are telling me they can now see very clearly why they were in so much disconnect.

This is important to learn because it allows each person to see the relationship through each other’s perspectives and that helps each person take responsibility for their part in their journey to their crisis.

That first step is Unconscious Incompetence.

It’s important because I know that every couple that comes to me for help is going to be in this space.

They don’t know what they don’t know and this helps them stay disconnected from themselves and each other.

  • Some are disconnected from themselves and they don’t know why.
  • Some have needs that are not being met but they don’t know what those needs are.
  • Some are unaware they feel bad because of their own distorted interpretations of their marriage.
  • Some have belief systems that block their emotional success.
  • Some people have conflict in a way that kills their connection.
  • Some people think that blame and judgments will fix the problems.
  • Some people have no clue what they value and the impact those values will have on them.
  • Many think their partner thinks the same as them.

The process of education to undo distorted thinking is such an important step as it will affect how the person feels and how they show up in the sessions.

You simply cannot put a couple in a process without them understanding what has been happening to them and why.

I hear so many lost opportunities

I remember speaking to a lady whose husband was exiting the marriage but was willing to try counseling.

What you are about to read I have heard a lot so I wanted to help you hear this important perspective.

The process they were in allowed him initially to share his feelings about how hurt he felt, and what she did that in his mind was wrong.

He freely spoke about his upset at her.

He felt good about that part of the process, he got a lot off his chest.

The process then shifted to her feelings and she did the same. She shared her concerns about him and how he also had also failed her.

It’s always the case that there are two sides of pain and suffering.

As soon as he heard her side he stopped the counselling and filed for divorce!

This is the reason I don’t put couples in “the ring” together before they can translate each other correctly

You simply cannot put two people in a room without helping them understand how to hear each other before they start communicating.

Two people in emotional stress are not going to hear each other perspectives correctly or with compassion.

This is why crisis work is so specialised it has to assess what each person will cope with so they stay in a learning state.

A person defending themselves is not learning and is ready to fight or run.

When the couple are on a knifes edge and it could fall either way how their process is handled is critical.

A couple in stress do not need more stress.

You see he was in so much pain through his own interpretation of his wife’s behaviors he couldn’t bear to hear her side so he simply shut down.

It doesn’t mean his interpretation was right, but in the moment perception is everything and this is how reactive destructive decisions can be made.

The problem wasn’t that she also suffered, the problem was he was in so much pain himself it tipped him into hopelessness.

He should never been in that type of meeting with his wife until he had the correct translation of his own emotions and hers first.

He had to be in the right mindset to be able to hear her struggles from a position of learning and growth.

His mindset was simply too defensive.

Without the right connection to himself he would naturally enter survival mode as he heard her criticise him.

In this situation, both the husband and the wife were in the place of Unconscious Incompetence all they were focused on was their own pain.

Their focus was themselves.

The model of a successful relationship is not about “me”. So until they were helped into that success model how were they going to hear each other constructively?

Until they were in a new space of Conscious Incompetence then putting them together to share their feelings would always bring them to blows and more stress is risky when one person is considering their exit.

He had no fight left so in survival mode the exit was all he felt he had left to action.

The moment the process is about learning the couple are in a much better place to ultimately decide the direction their life should take.

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Category iconDestructive Patterns,  Marriage Coaching,  Personal Development

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

His marriage was over!

June 5, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

This man was in the depths of sadness, his marriage was over, but he didn’t want it to be. They had seen numerous counsellors who had all concluded the marriage was indeed over. He had lost all feelings for his wife. Due to being so stuck for so long, he had started an affair. But […]

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

“It was like walking through a minefield blindfolded”

November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

Click to Download FREE

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • His marriage was over!
  • “Needy and not needed!”
  • “Discover the No.1 Philosophy of Highly Effective Spouses: From Struggle to Success”
  • “Unveiling the Secrets: How I Mastered the Art of Resolving Relationship Issues”
  • 3 Foundations for a Healthy Marriage

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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