Today I going to share the 4 stage structure a person has to go through to create changes for themselves and their relationship.
Step 1. Unconscious Incompetence
Step 2. Conscious Incompetence
Step 3. Conscious Competence
Step 4. Unconscious Competence
Step 1. Unconscious Incompetence
This is the stage where the couple are unaware of what they don’t know.
Too many people think that what they know is all there is and this can lead them into repetitive stressful situations with each other.
They are usually doing their best to muddle through their problems because their knowledge is limited, but they are unaware of this.
Most will struggle unaware of what they are really dealing with and will go round in circles many can assume they are incompatible.
So it leads some to actually end their relationship totally misunderstanding the situation they are in.
Some people can sit in Step 1 though many years and many relationships.
Until a person becomes open to understanding what they cannot see they will never move to the next critical stage 2.
Step 2. Conscious Incompetence
This is where they start to see what has been hidden in their relationship all along.
They start to understand why they have been struggling as a light is now shinning on all the information they were missing from the very first day they met.
They will discover what they didn’t know about their relationship with themselves how to take control of it.
The person can start to connect to what their partners’ world looks like and how to get the best out of themselves and their partner.
They will see why they have been naturally disconnected.
Step 3. Conscious Competence
This is where the person has learnt the root of their problems and now wants to test the theory.
They are now taking action consciously to discover the impact of a fresh approach to their problems.
This is a critical step for couples as they focus on their relationship, but this time in a way that creates connection and growth plus individual self-connection on both sides.
They are learning what works and why, but this time with their eyes opened to understanding the skills needed to effectively reconnect.
Step 4. Unconscious Competence
This is the step where the repetition of these new actions based on their new understanding is now forming a new pattern.
The pattern is a behaviour a person takes action without thought, 90%+ of our behaviours are run this way.
The difference is this time the pattern has been consciously designed to be effective and so enables a far easier connection.
This last step helps couples to now find their relationship far easier to be in, plus the pattern enables each person to become positive influencers for each other.
In tomorrow’s post, I’m going to expand on this topic so you can see why so many couples struggle.
- You discover why by using this 4 step process I will never initially put two people in a room to discuss their problems.
- Why what someone feels they may not accurately tell us what is really going on.
- Why so many really don’t understand their own needs and so leave their partner guessing and failing.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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