The most common skill that is lacking in almost every couple I see is their inability to understand their partners’ world.
…it’s not their fault.
Nowhere in our education system or from parents are we taught how to really understand another person’s experience. We assume the way the world works for us is roughly the same for others.
If you want a lifelong passionate relationship then understanding your partner’s emotional experience and how they interpret their world it is going to be a critical skill to learn before you can achieve a successful life together.
It’s essential to get on the same page with key topics like:
- The past
The challenge is it’s impossible to connect and get on the same page with any of the above if you are firstly not emotionally connected.
Without an emotional connection and a heartfelt understanding of each other’s map of their world and experience, couples will experience a loss of connection, loss of trust and a stacking of resentments.
Resentments that are left to grow can lead a person to emotional detachment and for some contempt for their partner.
So yes many people do enter my sessions shocked their partner really wants to leave them or it’s even a possibility.
It’s so important to learn how to look after our relationships. Your relationship must be one of the most important focuses of your life and learning how to become valuable to your partner is a critical skill you will need if you want to keep it.
You can’t be valuable to someone you don’t understand.
So if you are in a marriage and want it to work for life (when I mean work I mean a fun passionate exciting life) then you’re going to need some skills that enable you both to get on the same page.
The reason I have couples sat in front of me and the reason couples are having problems is that they are unable to see their partners world.
So below are 3 alignment skills a person must learn to be on the same page:
1. When my partner is upset what are they really trying to say?
What is their upset really about? The skill here is to learn how to take upset and grow closer. Most couples misunderstand the upset and this creates distance and resentment that then goes round in circles.
Men and women who are in conflict are not understanding the structure of why they are on such different pages and so they end up protecting themselves, in the moment this kills their love.
Practised for long enough the love can feel permanently dead.
Couples that understand the conflict and what it is for are able to use the conflict to create more attraction and a far deeper connection.
This skill creates more confidence in each other and the relationship and means that conflict is not something to fear but just another normal energy two passionate people will experience.
2. When my partner is talking to me what is really behind their words?
From an evolutionary standpoint men and women needed to create differing communication structures to survive. These differences are played out every day in my sessions and the couple is totally unaware.
The key to successful communication is not in the speaking and hearing.
The real skill is in understanding the framework of the communication – only when this is understood can their words make sense to each other.
Gaining this skill can massively change the couples connection and the dynamic of the couple’s interaction.
Learning this skill means that the verbal connection can now rebuild trust and help two people to understand that they really do matter to each other.
Without this skill both people can feel very unloved, isolated and insignificant
3. What is it that really drives my partner?
You can’t influence someone unless you understand what drives them. It’s highly likely your partner is driven differently to you, it’s part of what attracts us to our partners in the beginning.
The key is understanding how to align with what your partner really needs to help them anchor their good feelings to you.
You see without thought your partner will spend their time where they feel good and successful.
Both your jobs are to help your partner feel great about themselves when they are with you.
The challenge for most couples is they don’t understand how to do this so each person lives in an emotional deficit in the relationship and is driven to where they feel good about themselves.
This usually results in both people having to meet their core needs outside the relationship which can be devastating.
Relationships should be about two people connecting and building more fun, more passion, more love.
Sadly the reality for most couples is their inability to understand their partners’ world only creates more distance so as they are never on the same page they either settle or they leave.
I encourage all couples no matter how bad it is to find out what’s really possible with the right information and perspective.
IMPORTANT: It’s impossible to build a passionate life with anyone if you don’t understand their world so if your partner doesn’t make sense to you and you don’t know how to hear or be heard then please take action now.