Anger, criticism, rage, negativity whatever you call it every husband I speak to feels attacked when they receive this energy from his wife.
One gentleman said to his wife in a session “…you must really hate me!”
In any area of life if he feels this energy he will always feel attacked.
So it’s understandable that this is his translation when it happens at home.
But there is a problem with this understandable translation.
He also knows how upsetting it is to have his underlying intent misunderstood.
There have been many times when he has tried to do a good thing and she has become upset at him.
So he will understand how she may feel if that’s what she experiences with him.
You see her anger is one of those cases where his translation of her anger doesn’t match her intent.
You see when he hears anger he will naturally hear attack.
But attack isn’t her intent and this is where the problem starts.
Her intent is to use her energy to wake him up to the pain and suffering she is in.
She is trying to connect to him to share her suffering with the hope he will care.
If he cares she can reconnect to herself and this is where she can love him.
In many cases, the women are fearful because they cannot love him because of how she feels about herself so she seeks a way to receive that care.
What many women in this space are looking for is to feel safe, but because he hears an attack from her he won’t protect her, he will protect or defend himself from her.
Now the real problems start.
If he doesn’t protect her she will have to protect herself, if this happens she’ll become more and more masculine each time it happens.
This is the worse energy for some women.
So for some women, this masculine energy will lead her to even more anger, because she needs him to feel the same pain so he will understand what she is going through.
Of course, he doesn’t feel her pain because he is so focused on what she is saying that is unjust or unfair.
He is missing the opportunity to protect her whilst he is focused on protecting himself.
She can now feel alone and abandoned.
In this space, her emotional pain is overwhelming for her.
If she is left to deal with this pain alone she will eventually reach her tipping point.
This tipping point will lead her to feel detached or emotionally numb and in this space, she can feel nothing for him.
This is where she is no longer afraid to leave him.
She now knows she can be on her own because emotionally this is where she feels she has been living anyway.
You see the gold in life for her isn’t in the stuff.
The currency for her in a relationship is connection and with no emotional connection, the relationship has little point.
Without that emotional connection, she won’t be able to keep her love for him alive.
Her inability to love him is just another layer of overwhelm that leads her to shut down.
She can feel that he can’t see who she really is and this means she won’t be understood or safe in that relationship.
She wanted to be with him, but what’s the point of him if she has to protect herself?
For many women who need this type of energy, she would rather be alone than suffer feeling more alone whilst being with him.
Her rage is her way of protecting the marriage.
- So when her anger is met with his anger does she feel safer?
- When her anger is met with his frustration is he the guy protecting her?
- When her anger is met with him walking off, does she feel safer or abandoned?
If in her mind a man’s job is protection then what he has to do is learn how to protect her so she feels protected.
If this is happening to your relationship then a critical change is required before she goes to the next stage which she has no control over.
The bigger question is why is it this way?