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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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Why an affair is NOT the right solution

Of all the relationship challenges I deal with, this one has to be the one that causes the most problems on so many levels.

In fact, if I ever discover one person in my session is still involved with a third party and hasn’t told me, I will stop the couple’s sessions and move them to individuals sessions immediately. The reason is the brain chemistry of two people in an affair is far too powerful and creates illusions of love which will cripple their chances of fixing their marriage.

Many people who have had affairs and are struggling to end them complain of being confused, their reality is they are totally unaware they are actually battling with these powerful brain chemicals.

I have seen people make life-changing decisions during affairs only to want their marriage back months later because the brain chemistry has settled down and the new lover has now lost their appeal. Some are very lucky and get their partners back and some lose their former lives forever. 

It’s a very risky place to be because the confused person starts to ask themselves “what if…” questions. “If I leave my wife am I making a mistake?” “If I go back to my husband I will lose my new lover forever?” These people can become stuck, many suffer for years not knowing what to do, but doing nothing. This is like spinning a coin because time will eventually create a change, the question is will it be heads or tails?

Couples that have fallen victim to affairs can rebuild their relationships, but the starting point has to be the affair is over and all contact has stopped.

Unless this has happened everyone is wasting their time.

So if anyone reading this has considered an affair as a solution PLEASE DON’T as it never works out well for anyone especially the person having the affair, you see a person having an affair is not in control, they are actually out of control.

Important: If your relationship is not working, either find out why and take steps to see if it can be fixed, or leave the relationship and start again once you know why your relationship failed.

Why do affairs happen?

They happen mainly because there is a problem in their current relationship. It’s likely that the couple has tried to fix the problem(s), but without success. This focuses both people to protect themselves from each other and their problems.

This lockdown makes them vulnerable as they are both in a deficit of needs that are critical.

So I teach couples that they were both responsible for looking after their relationship and so if one or both people was unhappy they are both responsible for that challenge to fix it.

The moment a person decides an affair is a good solution, that person must own that action.

The problem for couples wanted to get over an affair is the affair becomes the focus. This is of course is natural, but the reality is the affair is not the real problem, the real problem is what they both did to make the relationship so unhappy.

The key is to get the couple to focus on how to protect their relationship both now and in the future and to unlearn what brought them to disaster and learn how to really meet each other’s critical needs.

The key is to put both people back in control of the relationship so getting to such a miserable please again is never a possibility.

Most affairs happen due to confusion, one man told me he just felt his wife didn’t love him and he suffered this for 4 years. In the end, someone showed him attention and he gave in to her.

The reality is his wife did love him, she was also protecting herself as she didn’t feel looked after by him.

You see the love was there for this couple they just didn’t know how to get to it. I have helped this couple and they are now back on track and are both seeing their mistakes, taking responsibility, and looking after each other.

If you are suffering from affair related issues it’s important to get the right help and tools.

Call Cloe today if you need more information.

Category iconInfidelity-Affairs,  Marriage Coaching,  Uncategorized

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
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Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

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Success Stories

From Battlefield to Breakthrough: How to Save Your Marriage Without a Toxic Fight.

January 31, 2025 By Stephen Hedger

Most people who come to me for help believe their marriage is broken, so their level of hope is not high. Many will have tried to fix the problems without success. These people are unaware that there is a critical mindset shift: if you don’t make it, your chances of success dramatically drop. As you […]

“By changing yourself, you can change a relationship… because I did!”

September 16, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

We were in the process of physical separation, with my husband arranging to move out at the end of the month, and I was getting legal advice on proceeding with the divorce.  On one of those distressed and sleepless nights, I came across Stephen’s website and his blog. I was fascinated. What Stephen has written […]

“There’s no hope in hell – I want a divorce!”

April 22, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

So what do you do when the trust is broken so badly that their relationship ends with them selling their family home and moving into separate homes? Most people would consider this the end, but this gentleman decided something different. He wrote to me to see if I could help. I wanted to encourage his […]

Marriage Crisis from Infidelity & Communication Breakdown

August 21, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

Today’s post is about a professional couple in the UK who decided they wanted to share their experience of their tailormade program that was designed to help them out of their marital challenges. They were in crisis due to communication breakdown and infidelity. They had 12 meetings over five months to learn how to reconnect […]

His Marriage was Over!

June 5, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

This man was in the depths of sadness; his marriage was over, but he didn’t want it to be. They had seen numerous counsellors who had all concluded the marriage was indeed over. He had lost all feelings for his wife. Due to being so stuck for so long, he had started an affair. But […]

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Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally.


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.


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Recent Posts

  • Do You Know Your Values & Why They Are So Important?
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  • Stop & Never: The 30 Patterns That Quietly Destroy Relationships
  • “How to Fix Communication Issues in a Marriage”
  • “First Step to Fixing Any Marriage Problem”
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