How to trust again after an affair

Trust is one of those key foundations for life, without it we know that something feels very wrong.

So how do you create trust, how is it possible to trust others? How is it possible to trust others when you have proof at times they can’t be trusted?

One lady came to me last year for help because her partner had an affair, she wanted to keep the relationship, but felt naturally vulnerable and so she presented him with a legal document she wanted him to sign.

This document outlined what she would get if he left her. After threatening and pushing him, he reluctantly agreed and signed the document.

What she wasn’t expecting was the result of her request, she actually felt worse.

This is because she was in violation of her own core values, what was most important to her was love, but she had focused her energy into not trusting him and so as a person she had changed.

She had become someone she didn’t like and she could see that her focus on her fears was stopping them grow as a couple and understand why the affair had happened.

Society is a wonderful creature, it is fast to judge and criticise but very slow to help love and educate. You see no one has an affair if all their needs are being met.

Don’t get me wrong I see first-hand how destructive affairs are and I don’t honour that action. What I see is past the act, what has happened to move someone to act in such a destructive way.

Society had taught this lady to focus on punishment and revenge. But these actions were in total conflict of the goal she wanted and in conflict with who she was as a person.

Getting her to trust herself to be who she really is was the initial goal so she could create the behaviours that would discover if they could find their love again.

Rather than sitting in judgement she took responsibility and learnt how she was part of the process that helped him become unhappy in the relationship, she could see how she had changed when life went wrong after the affair which is exactly what happened to him before the affair happened.

To have the affair he became someone different within him. Many people that have affairs cannot understand themselves why they did it and do honestly regret their actions.

Now this lady can see the cause and effect ripples throughout their relationship she is now focused on becoming a wonderful loving partner meeting his needs whilst he meets hers.

This means that she is now in-line with her core values of giving and loving.

They now see the affair as a wake-up call, they are now conscious of what it takes to build a successful relationship and very conscious of the pain and cost of not feeding the relationship what it needs.

So as you reflect on this story where are you today?

  • Are you the victim of an affair?
  • Are you worried your partner might be having an affair?
  • Do you feel something is wrong in your relationship and an affair is an attractive solution?

Please don’t sit and worry when help is on hand to gently guide you through the simple steps needed to understand what has happened and what to do next.

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About Stephen Hedger

International relationship expert Stephen Hedger's philosophy on relationship problems is this: Couples fail to understand their relationships because they are too focused on their problems and so they totally miss what created them. Stephen's approach is a refreshing and enlightening journey that helps couples uncover their truth. His strategies uncover the knowledge that all couples need to create a successful and lasting passionate connection. If you are in crisis and you need help, book an initial consultation today to get your life back on track.