When a couples relationship starts to die one thing will become apparent. One or both people will have lost their desire for their partner. It seems that many couples are struggling to balance security and desire and the cost is catastrophic for their family.
Lets look at what happens when they lose just desire in their relationship.
- They will struggle to find their partner attractive.
- They could see the future together as a painful experience.
- They will lose the desire to meet their partners needs.
- They may want to spend time either at work, hobbies, friends or family.
- They are likely to stop seeing their partner as a source of pleasure and attach problems such as feeling trapped, alone, worthless.
- They even might start seeing other people as more attractive.
So clearly losing desire is something we must all avoid because the relationship loses momentum energy and dies.
So what helps someone lose their desire for their partner? The big picture is the couple actually lose a very specific energy for each other that was abundant when they first met.
The irony for many couples is the things they are hoping to achieve together in the future are many of the things that end up killing the relationships energy and therefore they inadvertently lose that critical desire for each other.
You see when couples first meet they usually create energy, passion, excitement. There is usually so much positive uncertainty such as excitement and apprehension, as the couples heightened energy fulfils the couples needs they can become excited when think about their future together.
Feeling great about the future the couple then plan lots of certainties such as secure jobs, homes, a family.
Initially these certainties are exciting, but with the balance changing the constant drive for a secure future, will be one of the vehicles that starts to kills that critical energy they once loved “uncertainty”! This is when the couple could start to struggle, but wont understand why.
For example: Most couples love the thought of a family, yet having children is a surefire way to kill their passion and desire unless they know how to keep it, many don’t.
Another example is if a woman takes so much control over the relationship and she mothers him she will kills his masculine energy so he won’t have the desire to be the man she really needs.
Or
If he is so focused on working long hours in his quest to make money he doesn’t notice for her this quest is irrelevant and she really longs for his attention. He could feel taken for granted because he’s now just the family cash point machine and she feels misunderstood unloved and alone.
Of course there are many examples, but the point is when the environment the couple live in is either too controlled and planned, the passion/desire will simply die and one person at some point will wake up to this fact.
Another example: He wants more sex, she wants some help around the home, she thinks if she is less tired she will have the energy for more sex. He thinks her not wanting sex is her not loving him.
She thinks he will get more sex if he was to help her more, she has asked him for help but it’s fallen on deaf ears. Hurt by his lack of love, or care, sex is now the last thing on her mind. Who wants to have sex with someone who doesn’t care about you?
He feels he is likely to help her more if he feels she wants more sex with him. Not feeling loved or wanted the last thing he now wants is to do is to help her.
This is the kind of certainty focused controlling behaviour on both sides that results in the couple killing their relationship. They are under the illusion they are protecting themselves and teaching the other a lesson. The truth is they are ensuring the fateful direction of their relationship.
Of course there has to be foundations of certainty the couple can depend on, but if control and certainty are the primary model the couple use then there really is one certainty they are heading for and that’s the certainty of really big problems.
You can’t control love it has to be free.
What many couples miss is the way to keep the relationship secure is to keep the energy, passion and desire alive.
But of course this is not as simple as you may think if it were then more couples would understand how to keep this balance alive and avoid the divorce courts.
So it’s not difficult to see that when couples hit rock bottom their desire for each other will have gone.
So to get he desire back the couple will have to learn how to rebuild what really equals certainty for them so they have a solid foundation of security that is so strong desire, passion and love can be free to thrive.
Every couple is different in the way they experience desire and certainty and so it has to be learnt before it can be applied to any couples dynamic.
If this has struck a chord and you want to learn step-by-step how you can rebuild your relationship no matter what’s happened then my relationship building program could be for you.
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Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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