We know it’s going to happen again, we hate it but it keeps happening. So many people avoid talking with each other because conversations always end up in the same old battle.
Arguments, withdrawal, stonewalling, blaming, bickering it’s exhausting!
- “We’re not able to talk without rowing.”
- “If we do get together to talk it most often ends in arguments.”
- “We literally can’t have a conversation about anything at all without it ending in an argument.”
Those were clients’ actual words to me:
So many couples are saying the same thing. None of this is pleasant. In fact, it makes being together quite miserable and frankly boring.
So couples that practice this pattern end up in this strange place where they are either in some form of conflict, not talking, or only talking about what is safe. But safe is not really connecting, it’s transactional and years of this not safe for them either.
Loss of connection stacks resentments and as they stack the pleasure in the marriage reduces enters a very unhappy place.
A lot of advice will talk about attacking the issue not the person, don’t bring up the past, use “I” statements. Whilst this advice makes sense in an intimate relationship that is struggling there are deeper layers to consider.
So what is going on, and why do so many find connecting verbally so difficult?
They find it challnging be it’s highly complex.
As I see it, there are a few compounding problems that many people do not consider which is why they struggle.
Some may have all these challenges below, and some may have a few, but even just one will cause problems.
The first problem couples don’t see is how different their partner is from them in terms of why they speak.
What is their reason for speaking?
Have you ever considered this as a question?
It’s true not everyone speaks for the same reason and so they will have very different goals in mind, and not knowing this will cause all manner of problems.
For illustration purposes i’m going to create two camps, but to be clear some people live in both camps where context creates the need for both.
- The Connection Camp
- The Solution Camp
If you are a “connection person” trying to speak to a “solution person”, or vice versa, you are not going to get through if you keep speaking in your own language pattern, in fact you are likely to confuse and alienate them.
It’s almost like a totally different language many never knew existed.
Look at this example.
The “connection person” tends to wants to fill-up emotionally through and sharing and connecting with others it’s their oxygen. The “solution person” simply wants to solve it, let it go quickly and move on.
So when the connection person presents a problem, they want to connect, share and know they are not alone, belonging will be important to many. To the solution person, this makes no sense.
Their thinking is: You’ve had a bad time. You didn’t enjoy it the first time, and now you want to relive it over and over.
To stop the problem growing the solution person might say, “You don’t want to worry about that,” and then offer a solution.
The solution person is feeling great because they have solved the problem for their partner, but is then in utter dismay as the connection person erupts, upset at not feeling heard or cared for.
The solution person will usually withdraw or become frustrated, if this happens too many times the solution person will make a decision that conversations are unsafe so can in the end refuse to engage.
If connection person tries to connect more, with shouting, repeating, sharing more this will overwhelming the solution person and result in this type of outcome…
- The solution person can feel like a failure, unloved, disrespected and unappreciated.
- The connection person can feel alone abandoned unloved unsafe.
The way the solution person demonstrates love and support (in their mind) is through their ability to fix things. This is their nature. Many partners want their spouse to come out of the solution zone and connect with them and can’t understand why they don’t.
The solution partner will want the connection partner to stop being so emotional and stick to the point.
This mismatch in conversational missions will confuse each person so they will put a meaning to this problem that usually leads to self-protection.
In fact the sad reality for these couples is both people are protecting themselves from a partner who in the begining is not trying to hurt them at all.
Image 20 years of this.
The good news is communication in an intimate relationship is a learnable skill, but in terms of their individual natures, this knowledge will not naturally descend.
You partner will not naturally know how to speak your language.
Expecting it to naturally change is like asking a lion to consider being vegetarian.
The simple problem compounds
This is why a single focus on one problem (i.e. where the conversation starts) can turn it into a connection without repair and this results in the condition the marriage enters. It’s no longer about initial issue it’s about what was said, how it was said.
The challnge they face now is how ineffective they are at processing their problems.
The diagram below shows one person wanting to be understood that is the initial FOCUS, when the PROBLEM is managed badly between them no repair will happen and the CONDITION is where many more problems have been created by this ineffective process.
In simple term one problem discussed badly can result in many problems being created as a result of the process the couple runs.
But there is more to this conundrum that makes this three stage process worse.
Much of what people argue about is unmet expectations or needs and this also shows up in how they communicate.
Your partner’s needs are different from yours.
This is yet another hidden layer because people driven by different needs communicate for the perspective of those needs.
What drives them and what matters to them are different too, but many are unaware of this.
It’s almost as though people are operating on the belief: “If you don’t think like me, you don’t love me,” or, “If you don’t think like me, you are wrong.”
And then there is the expectation that their partner should just know what they need because it’s obvious to them.
To you, it’s obvious. But partners are never good mind readers, and if this is an expectation this will be setting them up to fail, which isn’t very loving.
I can promise you that, nine times out of ten, your partner has no idea what you need or why you need it, in sessions clients will notice that many people are unaware of what they need, they only know when they are not met.
Imagine this dynamic which is different needs driving different communication styles.
- Person one is a “solution person”, who embraces risk because it’s how their natural needs are organised its how they grow as a person.
- Person two is a connection person and they crave certainty so are risk averse.
This example is one of many possible dynamics compounded by the two types of communicator they are solution or connection?
So when you communicate and your partner doesn’t respond the way you wanted, I want you to take a breath and think:
- Did I communicate with them in my language or theirs?
- Have I understood my own needs well enough and communicated them?
- Have I demonstrated that my partners needs matter to me?
The irony of this problem is that if you want to be understood, you have to understand your partner first, so you can communicate in a way they can connect to. Only then will they be able to receive your need(s).
You can shout, repeat yourself or say it more slowly, but unless it’s in their language, you will not get through, so you’ll either shut them down or activate their frustration.
If this isn’t enough, there is another compounding factor: you need to understand communication that connects and drives attraction.
But do the basics first, because that is the start of what makes attraction possible.
This is a big topic, and I have only touched the tip of the iceberg, but my hope is that this has helped some of you see things differently.
What my clients learn is that your communication must set your partner up to be successful with you. You are supposed to be a team, so help them.
I see so many people put their partner down for not understanding them, only to realise that they don’t understand their partner or themselves either.
So what you are learning is we don’t have a communication problem – we have a “differences problem” and that is what causes so many communication problems.
This is why a lot of communication advise is challenged you cannot put two people in a room and get them to connect without this knowledge.
You are not necessarily failing to communicate because one of you is a bad communicator. You may be failing because you are speaking from your own nature and expecting your partner to receive it as though they share the same nature as you.
The answer is not simply to talk more, repeat yourself, or find better words. The first step is understanding the critical differences that shape how each of you speaks, listens, needs, and responds.
Before I go I want you consider this last thought for this post today as it’s yet another layer that affect communication.
I spoke with a CEO of a company in Australia. I asked him a question. “What is the difference between CEO and husband?’
He said it’s rare he is stuck for words – he said he didn’t know – how would this affect how he communicates with his wife do you think?
How would changing his identity change his mission? How would not changing his success identity for CEO to husband affect his wife?
In my view not being able to communicate will massively disable a couple and the ripples of this will affect everything.
If this has struck a chord with you – specialist help is here to guide you
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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