Couples all over the world are breaking up, tearing families apart, hurting those they promised to love and care for. The question is why and what can we do about it?
What is it that really makes the difference? What is it that couples are doing, or not doing to enable this massive tidal wave of destruction especially to those that have children.
What I have seen first hand that makes the difference is the following:
- Understand why you are together and what is your purpose. Many couples have no idea and love is not a strong enough reason on it’s own.
- Who are you really and what impact has your life had on you so far. The past will come back to bite you if you don’t deal with it.
- How should your future life and relationship be for you? Don’t assume your partners’ is the same.
- Understand your own critical needs and what is really important to you and why.
- Making a plan so you share a vision for a future you can both work towards.
- Never judge your partner, because your not qualified
- Never making them wrong, because it could be your assumption that they are.
- Understand how you will both deal with conflicts when they strike, because they will.
The thing is if you don’t know who you really are, then how can you communicate that to your partner. If you don’t communicate how you see your future then how will your partner know if it fits with their vision. If you don’t know what you really need to be happy then how can your partner know?
Many people tell me they have no idea what they want their future to be like. If this is the case how can they commit their undefined lives to someone else. It is a blind commitment with costly consequences if it goes wrong which a crossed figher strategy is likely to create.
One of the biggest problems I come across is the lack of team work in relationships, they agree to do all the perceived big things such as get married, buy a house have kids. But they do this with no real planning in fact for many that is the plan.
So is it little wonder why so many people become depressed after these big events, the working together comes to a grinding halt! The relationship now has no direction and it’s not long before the couple feel it. Boredom, stale, passionless, groundhog day relationships are created as the relationship stops meeting their needs, and more and more external forces starts to take the place of the relationship.
Many think that relationships are natural things out of their control and so they go with the flow of how they feel, not understanding that they have to actually do something.
The bottom line is for you to live the life you want you have to be YOU. From dating to long-term relationships.
There are more problems: Many people don’t know that their life conditions and experiences can create very different version of their true selves, selves that they designed to cope with past highly charged emotional events.
If this version of themselves worked for them at the time, they could use this as a coping strategy for other times in their lives that present similar pressures. This becomes them and can destroy their lives as they live in fear, but to them that is normal.
So those looking for a relationship who fear something in relationships will present that fearful version to those they are trying to attract and consequently will attract those who like the fearful version of them. So the relationship has started on a distortion, or individuals can become fearful when in a relationship and create the very thing they fear through distorted behaviours.
All of the above is applicable from those in search of someone to share their lives with to couples in long-term relationships.
Understand how you and relationships work is critical to lasting love, don’t leave your relationship to chance the cost is too high.