Too many people are trying to control their outside world so they can feel good and this is really hard work. They end up feeling empty and detached from their true authentic self, some confused end up looking for reasons to blame others for how they feel.
Inside they feel that something is wrong so they need to rebalance their world, over time a behaviour is born to cope, it becomes their thing to do when life feels wrong.
What’s interesting is someone in this place will become addicted to a behaviour, but will not make the connection that the behaviour has to be repeated constantly for it to work, so it actually doesn’t work.
It is this repetition that makes it exhausting and empties the person of their resources and energy.
Whatever the person is trying to control is not and will never be the lasting solution to the problem.
Examples of controlling behaviours
- A jealous man tries to control his partners’ movements so she doesn’t meet other men that could take her away from him. She ends up feeling trapped and not trusted, he becomes weak in her eyes and so she finds someone strong. If this man had become an amazingly strong partner for her rather than getting weak she would never have looked at another man, because her core needs would have been met.
- A woman who gets up at 6.00am to tidy and clean her house every day before feeding the kids and then going to work. She is trying to control what she can control because at least she has some certainty in her life. But this behaviour is designed to mask where she doesn’t feel certain and that’s in her marriage. Constant focus on the house and everything being in it’s place serves to alienate her further from her husband who was actually not helping her to feel safe initially which is why she controlled what she could – “the house”.
- Her husband was a good man they met as friends, but over the years she felt something was wrong. She became stronger to cope with this feeling and it detached her from her true self. In this detached place she decided the marriage was over. Through fear she had crippled her feelings and almost lost her marriage. Her husband came for help and he became so strong he created the behaviours that help her reconnect with herself again.
- He decides he will feel more attractive and far better if he has a hair transplant. His premature baldness has affected his self-esteem so after many thousands of pounds and now with a thick head of hair does he feel better? “No” was the answer. His lack of self-esteem was not about how many hairs were on his head, it was about his lack of self-worth based on an overly protective mother. He never knew how to be the man he was designed to be.
I could go on, mothers try to control grown up married sons which results in alienating his wife, husbands try to control the money, wives control the intimacy, men control the intimacy. Withholding love, judging each other, assumptions, anger, depression illnesses, all these kinds of behaviours and more have been used to control their outside world.
You see the controlling in whatever form it takes meets the person needs where their life/relationship doesn’t, BUT their needs are met in such low level ways they will never be happy.
Is this you? Is this your partner? Please don’t suffer with this, understand it, break through it and create a life you can look back and be proud of.
“Control is only destructive if it is designed by fear” – Stephen Hedger
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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