So what is the formula for a great marriage and why do so many people get it wrong? When you look at what we are all trying to achieve it boils down to something quite simple.
We are all trying to experience the feelings we like and avoid the feelings we don’t like.
If you look at anyone that’s on the edge of splitting up, they no longer experience feelings they like when they are with their partner, and some are getting close to experiencing feelings they have spent their whole lives trying to avoid.
Some are leaving because they feel they won’t be loved or they won’t be enough, and these types of feelings are far too painful. Some are leaving because they cannot get over a significant break of trust.
Someone who has been in a controlling relationship can want to leave to gain freedom and hope for a happier future whilst avoiding feelings of being powerless.
If so many couples are getting together because they loved how they felt about themselves when they were with their partner what is it that goes wrong as time passes?
Because so many couples end up feeling awful about themselves when they are together, and this is happening for a massive percentage of married couples.
The happiest and most successful people on the planet know that if you want to have a great life, then you must become of significant value to what’s most important to you.
So the question people must ask is how do I become so valuable to my partner they will naturally love how they feel about themselves when they think of me or when they are with me.
This knowledge is simply not present in so many couples and especially couples who have hit a crisis.
The reason so many couples are falling foul of this problem is because effective contribution in a marriage is a life skill no one teaches us.
I work with some of the brightest minds from around the world who had no idea how to add significant value to their partner in the way their partner needed it.
So their partner lived every day in deficit and attached that bad feeling to their partner.
The result: Their partner didn’t feel loved or safe. Some didn’t feel the relationship was going anywhere or they felt insignificant. Some were just so bored with their partner and the lack of passion. Some felt they weren’t important or their partner didn’t have their back.
What all these couples were not doing was seeing is the world through their partner’s eyes, and this is a critical skill to learn.
IMPORTANT: A person simply cannot become a successful partner in a relationship unless they can understand what their partner needs and why.
You also cannot positively influence someone if you don’t know what drives them.
Most couples and especially the ones in crisis have not understood what drives their partner and without knowing is helping their partner to feel bad about themselves when they are together.
This is a recipe for disaster.
If I take a top-level view of some many couples, I would see a couple who are not understanding they are driven very differently. They are not seeing they have very different strengths and are not understanding their communication styles and goals are totally different.
I would also see that they will have slipped into a dynamic that will kill their attraction and passion and all this combined would kill their future and connection.
What comes out of this is a loss of trust, love and for some, they cannot bear spending time with their partner.
Every couple creates their crisis differently, and it’s why when I’m building a program to help a couple out of their crisis it must be tailored to their specific situation.
If you are struggling in your relationship, there is so much to learn to make it last for life.
A recent client said to me “…everyone should learn these unique skills and knowledge” he said, “from a man’s perspective I have learnt so much and can now see why we had struggled for so long.”
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Click to find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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