A couple who are not sexually connected are basically friends or roommates and for many they are not even that. I hear so many couples share how they have been sexually disconnected for 10+ years. It’s shocking to hear and so important to get right.
This Masterclass Series is all about helping couples avoid getting into these situations, however if you are in crisis this information is going to be valuable to you too. As you read through this post you’ll start to see what builds to make sexual connection so much easier.
So imagine this, a couple who tell me they are in crisis enter my session. They tell me they have spent six weeks with a sex therapist and the result is the relationship is now much worse than when they started. They are now discussing splitting-up.
I asked them why did they feel that a sex therapist was the right route for them?
They explained that the relationship had been dead sexually for 2 years and because that was the problem they clearly had to fix that problem, hence the search for a sex therapist.
This is a typical problem that so many couples face, they are missing the real problem.
They try to fix what they though was the “the problem” and in doing so they can actually make things much worse.
They were totally unaware that their poor sex life was the symptom of the problem, not the real problem.
As we chatted I could see that before we focused on their sexual connection I had to help them to successfully reconnect and this meant focusing on making sure the foundations of the relationship were secure again.
What I’m looking to help them create was a foundation of all the securities they both needed. I would help them understand these core securities so security was created as a result of their behaviours and interactions.
It is so important that feeling safe in a relationship is a result of how the couple interact rather than being the focus or the coping strategy.
If through really understanding each other and helping each other to feel consistently safe and loved in the way they both needed, that’s when the sexual connection can be free to come alive again. So couples who though their relationship was dead discover how to reconnect in an meaningful way.
You see being disconnected out of the bedroom is not a great platform for a deep passionate connected sex life. In fact for many couples disconnection or not a good enough connect outside the bedroom can put a substantial block on the desire for sexual connection.
Once the individuals can both know that their partner is not out to hurt them they are then free to let go of their guard.
The real key is to help the couple feel that they are enough for each other. Everyone wants to feel safe loved and desired for who they are.
Once the foundations are in place the couple are helped to see their sexual relationship is not just the thing they do on a Saturday night.
Their sexual connection is an on going process outside the bedroom too.
Many couples believe that foreplay is the thing you do for five minutes before sex. My message to couples is that foreplay is what you start doing after you have had sex.
Help your partner feel you see them sexually, so they feel attractive and desired outside of the bedroom. Communicate on every level to your partner that helps them feel you sexually desire in the way they need.
Good sexual connection is all about good communication, it’s about allowing each other to be free, it’s about helping your partner to feel safe to be who they really are, it’s about a loving giving energy.
Most of all it’s about tapping into what creates desire for you and your partner.
I’m going to be opening up 1-on-1 master classes for couples who are wanting to learn how to reignite their relationship for life. If you are interested to learn more click here.