If your partner is telling you they no longer love you this shocking news can trigger a fear system within us that helps us behave in ways that are very unattractive and further confirms their feelings to go are correct.
In these situations, there are a few powerful behaviours you should and shouldn’t do if your goal is to get them back into the marriage.
Their loss of love doesn’t happen overnight and can be a total mystery to their partner, which leaves them feeling lost and powerless.
The things you should do, most people don’t do
…and the things they shouldn’t do, most people always do.
So the first thing you must NOT do is PANIC!
Loss of love is something the person has created within them based on their translation of their relationship and their partner.
Couples are prone to translating each other’s behaviours incorrectly, and this can lead a person to protect themselves from their partner for years totally unaware their partner was never trying to hurt them.
So individuals that have killed their own love for their partner must know this state is not necessarily permanent and can be undone with the right approach.
Look at this example: Some couples come to me after they have divorced and are totally confused. They want to understand why they fell out of love, divorced each other regretted the divorce and are now together back in love again, but are now fearful this trauma will happen again.
If you are a regular reader, then you will know that I agree that there are couples that shouldn’t be together, but leaving a relationship/family without really understanding what’s happened has many hidden problems which can show up in future relationships.
The goal: If you want to get your partner back into the relationship, you have to help them feel great about themselves when they are with you.
Can you now see the challenge you face?
Your panic/anger/fear will repel them further, what those emotions create in them is either contempt, feeling sorry for you, feeling guilty, or simply anger at your selfishness at never understanding them or their problems.
None of these emotions will bring them back in. In fact, it will just help them solidify their decision to leave.
So what MUST YOU NOT DO if you want them back?
- Don’t make their pain about you.
- Don’t cycle through emotions such as frustration, anger, sadness it will just help them to see you as erratic and someone they cannot trust.
- Don’t tell them “you know we have a great relationship”, that’s not their experience and will create a bigger gap and even more distance.
- Don’t say, “….you know I love you”. Your love for them is not the issue, it’s their loss of love for you that their real problem.
- To Husbands: Don’t suddenly become house-husband of the year. When a woman is looking for a real-man to be a life long lover and best friend, packing the dishwasher was not on her list of critical needs.
- To Wives: Don’t test him to see if he loves you, he won’t understand the test it will only create more distance in him. Test men who are on the way out of a relationship is a sure fire way to accelerate his need to leave.
- Don’t ever put pressure on them for an answer. Any pressure they don’t like can send them into the wrong decision.
- Don’t become needy.
What are the MUSTS?
- Get on the same page as them as fast as possible. Once they feel understood by you then their guard can come down and there is the potential for learning and growth.
- Give your partner space to breathe and think, despite what they say to you there is a part of them that is questioning such a big decision.
- Time is not on your side so get help as fast as possible there is going to be a window that is where they are either confused or unsure about what they are thinking or about to do.
- If they won’t come for help, go on your own as there is a significant amount of changes that can be made that can influence them to feel different.
Loss of love explained
Loss of love is a feeling that’s created as a result of needing to protect oneself from their partner, understanding what that protection has been about is key to your success which is why it’s so important to seek help that can explain it.
One couple had been in therapy for 4 months before they came to me for a second opinion. They felt although the therapy/counselling was painful/helpful in talking about their problems, they had stopped making progress.
They felt they needed a different approach, an educational process that offered advice, steps and new direction.
They learnt…
They learnt with me about the energy they had lost and how it not only had killed their attraction and slowly starved the relationship of their critical needs that were very different in both people.
This new understanding helped them understand their love was not dead, just dormant waiting to be reignited.
This was the root of their problem, they needed to feel their partner understood them so they could feel alive again, excited about their connection and their future of being a team together.
If someone has fallen out of love, it’s likely they have lost connection with themselves through a prolonged need to self protect and so being loving would become impossible for them.
Loss of love is explainable and in many couples, a temporary state that feels all too real and impossible to solve for those in the thick of it.