So how do you keep that important energy in a relationship alive year after year? Yesterday’s post told a story of how he can kill her sexual desire, but it’s only part of the story.
The question is what is happening for couples whose sexual energy is still alive into old age compared to those that kill their connection?
Some couples are killing their sexual connection in a matter of a few years and have no idea why.
What I see as the biggest challenge is each person (male or female – masculine or feminine) has a very different path to experiencing that sexual connection and neither is aware their partners’ path is very different to theirs.
This can lead some people to see the different drivers as wrong and that can kill the moment or the joy of a deeper level of connection.
As you discovered in yesterday’s post many men I see in session are totally unaware that in their quest to experience more sexual intimacy, he is actually helping her to want him less.
In fact, much of what men naturally do actually can stop her from wanting to be intimate with him so some men have to wait until she is in the mood.
That process can stress both people.
What she doesn’t know is for some men they will turn off their desire for her.
I’ll never forget watching a brilliantly written sitcom and the gentleman told his wife for her birthday as a present he won’t ask her for sex that night, her response was priceless.
He assumed not having sex was pleasurable for her so this was his gift to her.
Women like sex just as much as men! The frequency and depth of freedom are down to the quality of their connection.
For many women, sex isn’t a switch it’s a process and men have to understand this if they are to gain the level of sexual intimacy they desire.
To complicate this there isn’t one path and one type of sex.
To be clear this isn’t a one-way street men have a process too.
You see men can give up wanting sex with her. When a man can’t solve a problem he will let it go and too many rejections over the years will cause him stress.
I meet many women who have spent their whole lives beating men off, yet her own husband isn’t interested and she has no idea why.
What all this has taught me as I’m helping couples to reconnect is both men and women have the power to switch each other’s sexual energy off and they have no idea that’s what they have done.
Fortunately, it can be switched back on.
Sexual connection and falling in and out of love are all a process.
It’s not a “magical force”, or “pixie dust” the answers are in the mechanics of how humans work and why they don’t.
Not understanding this simply creates random events so people are connecting and disconnecting and neither person controls this.
These are all energies that people either grow or kill, sadly most kill them and put it down to being together a long time because that’s what happens to everyone, isn’t it?
Attraction energy can happen at any age so the problem is rarely the mechanics it’s how to couple thinks and what they attach to each other is the problem.
This one couple loved each other and was getting it wrong like most and it was stressing her.
She said they were having sex all the time, I could hear the irritation in her voice and he said we never had sex his voice carried frustration.
I could hear perception bias at play so I said “when do you have sex?” She said every Saturday night and he said every Saturday night.
Those answers told me everything she wasn’t understanding him and his process of helping her was stressing her into an identity that didn’t want sex with him, despite her loving him.
Sex life dead for ten years
I remember one lady convinced it was all over, they had been emotionally distant for years and the last time they had sex was ten years ago.
She had resigned herself to the odd fling, but wasn’t happy at all, very unfulfilling.
She told her husband she felt the marriage was over and so he came to see me on his own.
He said, “teach me everything you know I want my relationship back”.
Practising what he had learnt he stepped up in a way she would connect to, I remember her anger coming out that now he was doing what she needed.
I said to her “you’re angry?” “Yes,” she said, “because he obviously knew what to do all these years he just chose not to”.
I said, “he had no idea what to do and the information he now has would never naturally descend, I had to teach him how to understand what you needed and why”.
“I had to teach him because you didn’t know how to, in fact, the way you approached him turned him off”
“BUT none of this is anyone’s fault.”
So you can be angry at the lost years or you can embrace a husband that does love you and together build a brand new relationship.
Couples’ disconnection keeps coming down to the differences that so few couples are aware of.
In essence, I see the loveliest people severely hurting their partners totally unaware this is what they are doing.
I remember one gentleman burst into tears as I told him what his wife would have been feeling based on how he showed up to her.
He had no idea.
So when I help couples reconnect I’m not helping them to be better friends.
I’m helping them to understand the energies that relationships need to stay alive and sexual energy is one of those critical foundational energies.
One lady said how do I get my husband to come and see you? He doesn’t believe in getting help.
I said, what is your sex life like?
She said, “It’s poor, I’m never in the mood and he ways complains which makes it worse for me!”
“So tell him, you want to reignite your sex life and become a fun and passionate wife again!”
I knew she might bristle at this idea so I asked her “in your heart is this true?”
She paused, “yes of course, I miss being me, I feel like I’ve grown old before my time!”
He met me the very next week.
Too many couples either end up not very good friends, caretakers to a home, lost in their identity of being parents, or worse like siblings.
Staying lovers for most has to be learnt, the solution isn’t in an affair, or a divorce the solution is in understanding how to ignite a partner no matter how many years have passed.