For a relationship to work the couple need to be in a position where they have created a dynamic that helps both people to “WIN” within their relationship.
By “WIN” I mean both people feel connect to what they value which means they are happy with the result of their conflict, communication, situation in fact any experience they have together.
So many couples are using a ‘win-lose’ strategy which ultimately creates a ‘lose-lose’ result which means the couple are likely to be stacking resentments towards each other.
In relationships if anyone loses you both lose, because losing in a relationship creates resentments. So one person may feel they have won an argument, but the big picture is, if they have won then their partner has lost and that formula is destructive.
When couples argue, it’s likely they are on apposing sides of a battle field. They go through a ritual of attack, defend, and counter attack. No one feels good, and so no one wins, they don’t grow closer and the couple die a little each time. Practised over years this can be devastating.
When couples come for my help one of the key tools they are given is how to create win-win scenarios no matter what the situation.
They are taught how to stop being in battle with each other and become a team to understand their situations at a deeper level.
So what behaviours create the lose-lose?
- A persons need to be right
- When the person feels they are qualified to judge their partner
- When someone makes the assumption their partner is trying to hurt them
- When they feel they have mind reading abilities and claim to know what someone is thinking, or is going to do.
- Making your partner wrong
These are a few of the common mistakes couples make that create a lose-lose situation. In essence they don’t work and they do destroy.
Creating a win-win scenario requires a much deeper understand of the situation you are in.
This is a simple example in mine and Cloes life together.
It was the weekend and I was making breakfast, Cloe walked into the kitchen and we hugged and she sat at the breakfast table.
A few hours on Cloe walked back in to kitchen where I was on my laptop writing. She came up to me and said “you NEVER hug me!”
Instantly my confused man brain thinks back to 8.30 just before breakfast. So factually she wrong, and NEVER really NEVER!!!
So what do I assume from Cloes words? Do I assume she’s forgetful, mean, thoughtless? Do I need to defend my position and make her see her error?
Of course not, that would make me her judge and I would never be judge her.
As I watched Cloe speak these words I could see in her face she was uncomfortable. Instead of reacting to her words, I wondered what must she be feeling to say those words to me.
So I looked deep into her eyes with love and warmth and said “what is it darling?”
She shuffled a little looking side-to-side and then locked on to my eyes, and over the next 15 minutes she shared with me the real problem. Guess what the hug was not the issue at all.
You see in that moment she wanted my attention to share something that was uncomfortable for her. She used the “You never hug me” as a means to get my attention and connect with me.
Imagine if I had focused on the facts and we ended up in conflict about that who was right or wrong. What then are the chances that Cloe would have wanted to open up and share with me the real problem? Of course the answer is NO CHANCE!
Cloe came to me because she was in pain emotionally and as her protector I have to learn understand her and how she works.
- So I didn’t need to be right
- I didn’t judge her
- I didn’t assume she was trying to hurt me
- I didn’t assume I knew what the problem was I asked her
- And I didn’t make her wrong
Couples are missing these simple yet very powerful ways to connect with each other and so they end their relationships.
So I wonder what you are creating in your relationship? Is one or both of you trying to win at the cost of the other?
Creating a win-win dynamic creates a powerfully magnetic connection between two people and paves to way to a far deeper intimate connection.
If you want to get out of your circular conflicts and get rid of stacking resentments then maybe now’s the time to take action to build a new relationship, if that’s you give us a call.