I spend year after year with couples from all over the world who travel to see me to gain life-changing solutions to some of the most challenging marital issues.
Living day-to-day with all these couples in varying degrees of crisis helps me to see that so many couples are creating very common problems in their own relationship without even realising.
So today I’m going to share with you what I’m seeing so you can look at what is happening in your own relationship.
Each one of these points below is critical to thoroughly understand:
1. You must stay connected to who YOU really are in your relationship
Many people over the years lose a sense of who they really are in their quest to navigate their marriage and its problems.
People can find that today they are accepting a life/relationship they would have instantly rejected years before.
Some have changed themselves to keep control, some change through fear, some change in a quest to get their needs met.
When a person changes who they are in their marriage they are the creator of their own pain and are part of a dynamic shift that stresses their marriage.
Very often this stress dynamic creates a ping-pong effect that disables the marriage and enables resentment and detachment.
One of the biggest reasons divorce happens is the person no longer feels they can be themselves in their marriage and so to them leaving the marriage is the solution to that problem.
2. It’s imperative to correctly translate a partner’s behaviours
I spend a lot of time helping couples to correctly translate each other’s behaviours. The challenge most people face is they are only seeing the world through their own eyes and experiences.
It’s imperative for any marriage to work to be able to expand that singular view into a more expanded intelligent and wisdom based perspective.
The problem with the wrong translation is individuals can find themselves putting unfair or incorrect translations to their partner’s actions or lack of them. This can then lead to distorted meanings and a damaging disconnected dynamic.
So if you are going to judge your partner’s actions it’s important to do so with the right knowledge. This is why education for all couples is critical so their evaluations reflect reality.
To add another layer to this many people use their old protective patterns to incorrectly translate their partner’s behaviours.
3. Far too many people get married and then stop being attractive to each other
So many people put lots of effort into attracting their partner and then stop seeing being attractive as important when they think they’ve got each other.
I’m actually not talking about just physical attraction although this is important to a degree. I’m talking about behaviours that bring out the best in each other.
It’s imperative to understand what makes you attractive to your partner, what is it that brings out the best in them and what can they do that will bring out the best in you?
- How do you keep that attraction alive day-to-day?
- How do you keep that attractive alive through conflict?
- How do you keep that attraction alive so it leads to security, freedom and sexual passion?
4. You must learn how to stay on the same page
Nothing more frustrating and lonely than living with someone who is always on a different page to you.
In essence what it means is they are struggling to understand, see, or empathise with your point of view. This can result in a person not feeling loved or cared about.
One of the key skills my clients learn is not only how to connect with differing views without losing emotional connection, but how to take out of the relationship destructive patterns such as…
- Judgements: I’m qualified to judge you and your behaviours.
- Mind-reading: I know what your thinking, going to think, or going to say.
- Assumptions: Because you said that or did that, it means you don’t care about me.
Want to help some feel disconnected and unloved, become their judge!
5. Make the future feel compelling for you both
“So who wants to join me for liver and onion ice cream?”
Even though it’s likely you have never had it, you can bet we can all create a construct of the taste and assess quickly it’s not one we would like to experience…
…this exact construct also happens in relationships and is what many people do to feel divorce is the right decision for them. Essentially the future stops looking attractive, or it’s a painful future construct or one they simply can’t see any more.
This is why it’s important to create an exciting future construct of what your relationship is really about, where it’s and going and what it’s purpose really is.
I have yet to meet a couple who has created this compelling reason to stay together. So if the past has been rocky, today’s emotional connection is not great and the future construct is unattractive it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see where that couple will land.
To create this future construct it’s imperative to understand the needs of both people in a way that keeps both people alive, connected and excited about their journey through life together.
Remember: Our partners can leave us and find someone or something they think is better for them so finding as many ways as possible to keep the relationship fed, safe, connected and alive is so important.
6. Reactive people are not in control
Almost every crisis couple I see are living reactive patterns that are designed to protect the person, but only serve to destroy without them realising.
Once a reactive person starts to understand what needs you are trying to meet then they can assess if their behaviours are actually working.
For example: Someone might decide to hold back their love due to some kind of trust issue. Their partner will then have to live without love. Love is a critical need and so the person will need to find it from somewhere. So holding back love actually puts the relationship and the person holding back their love in even more danger, especially if they really want to keep the relationship.
The key is to stop reacting and start learning.
I help my clients understand the importance of becoming curious to learn about situations in their marriage that don’t make sense in a way that maintains attraction, keeps both people connected to who they really are whilst meeting each other’s needs.
This is not complicated once you know how.
What’s really complicated is blindly reacting without thought and suffering through your life with outdated patterns or misunderstandings year after year whist watching your relationship die.
7. See your problems as a sign that a change is required
Far too many people see their relationship problems is a sign their marriage is wrong or they are incompatible.
All the sample signals listed below are an indication that changes are needed and ending the relationship may not be the right solution.
- You could fall out of love with your husband or wife?
- You could become excited by someone new?
- You could feel bored or feel more connected to yourself when you are with your friends?
- You could feel you go to other areas of your life outside your marriage (friends, family) to meet your needs?
- You might be going round in circles with power struggles or conflict?
- You might have lost your passion for each other?
- You might be having an affair, but are now confused?
Through my experience and so many couples I have coached, these are simply symptoms – signs that the couples dynamic has shifted into a temporary destructive state.
This shift potentially misrepresents that couples truth and potential.
So you may be in crisis or stuck not knowing which way to turn. Whatever your situation there will be an answer that will free you to live the life you desire.
- So don’t guess and leave a marriage that can be saved
- Don’t keep making the same mistakes in every relationship
- Don’t stay in a relationship and lower your expectations
Building successful relationships are complicated when you don’t know how.
So my passion with all my clients is to empower them to reach their true potential with the right knowledge in easy steps.
If you wish to apply to gain my help then please contact my office today