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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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“My husband has no empathy” – Has she got this right?

Many women come into my sessions with this message “My husband has no empathy”.

What she has experienced from her perspective is a lack of emotional connection from him and little understanding of what she is saying or going through.

For her, he has little desire to share his feelings with her or to make any changes that help her connect with him. This will naturally affect her trust in him and her desire to trust he will be there for her.

Historically she is likely to have tried to get through to him. This leaves her with the impression she has to look after herself emotionally, and she can start to struggle to see the point of him…

It’s likely she will have felt that she has been crystal clear in her communication with him. In some cases, she can feel temporarily comforted that he has understood, BUT only to be flabbergasted when his actions then prove he hasn’t heard her at all, or worse, he’s choosing not to hear her.

She usually feels alone, and emotionally abandoned, she is likely to feel exhausted and resentful and if it goes on for too long detached from him.

Clearly, this is a terrible place for her to land, but is her translation correct? Does her husband really have no ability to be emotionally empathetic or is there something else at play?

What I discover for many couples is that her interpretation makes total sense from her perspective but isn’t always true in fact.

So have I worked with individuals who genuinely have no emotional availability? Yes, of course, one gentleman was involved in an explosion that put him in a coma for 6 weeks.

He had to relearn empathy due to this trauma. Before he came to see me he actually lived for years copying the emotions of others, just so he could fit in – but feeling very little himself.

What I do see with so many couples is the man is NOT suffering from the inability to be empathetic; he is suffering from not being able to understand her emotions and her emotional needs.

The main reason he struggles is because he isn’t FEMALE! – The way he experiences the world is totally different to her.

Many women feel the way they experience the world is “normal” and is the way it should be, so they set their expectations of others at her normal.

To balance this out, many men feel this too, to be fair.

What the women in this context are not seeing is their inability to understand his world and what he is going through, and why.

My point here is empathy is rooted in the other person’s ability to connect with the experience of the other person and men and women are light years apart in terms of their emotional operational systems.

Many men show little emotion outwardly – anger and frustration are most commonly visible, but the softer, more subtle skills that females use are not how many men express themselves naturally.

Many women will feel this is a sign he feels nothing for them. This could help her to feel he doesn’t care, love her or worse; she’s not enough for him.

For men, women are hugely confusing, and so many are simply afraid to engage and be honest with them because when they do, it never works out well.

Men are taught by women that talking to them or opening up is going to end badly, so he usually stops.

To men, a problem shared is a problem doubled when they speak with her. So he stays away from the minefield of emotions and lives happily in a practical world, which will never work for her.

To a man (I’m generalising here, of course), she twists his words, he doesn’t know what to do or say when she’s upset, or when she’s angry.

He can also assume when she is quiet, she is always happy!

So his mission is usually to keep things calm, and he can’t understand why she keeps spoiling the calm with negativity and problems. Frustratingly from his perspective, she seemingly has no desire to solve them just make them worse.

To many men, women are never looking for solutions (I’m still generalising).

In today’s post, I’m highlighting the hidden challenges that the opposite sex has with understanding each other and the assumptions that can put a perfectly good marriage in a tailspin.

Now of course, differences between the sexes are not the only issue a couple will face, but it’s such a big area that creates confusion on both sides and is critical to understand.

The moment you understand the operational system, and its limitations on both sides, then learning how to communicate becomes so much easier.

One gentleman, CEO of his company, was shocked at what he learnt about his wife’s operational system.

“Why didn’t I know this…” were his words after just four meetings with me where I went through what happens to her in an intimate relationship and how he can make easy changes to be a powerfully effective partner for her.

She was equally shocked at what he was naturally unaware of about her and what she was saying and wanted.

I have been helping couples in crisis for a very long time, and all couples struggle to really hear each other. It’s natural to assume the way you see the world is the only way it works, but if you do that, you could make a life-changing mistake.

All couples have problems, and all couples fall in and out of love. If you know your problems are normal; your next step is to….

  • Learn how to reconnect and make your relationship bulletproof.

I have helped so many couples go from finding each other totally unattractive to getting that sexual attraction and connection back. It’s a very simple process, but powerful in helping couples who either want to make their relationship much better or simply save it from divorce.

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Marriage Crisis from Infidelity & Communication Breakdown

August 21, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

Today’s post is about a professional couple in the UK who decided they wanted to share their experience of their tailormade program that was designed to help them out of their marital challenges. They were in crisis due to communication breakdown and infidelity. They had 12 meetings over five months to learn how to reconnect […]

His marriage was over!

June 5, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

This man was in the depths of sadness, his marriage was over, but he didn’t want it to be. They had seen numerous counsellors who had all concluded the marriage was indeed over. He had lost all feelings for his wife. Due to being so stuck for so long, he had started an affair. But […]

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

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Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

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Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • The Blame Game Trap!
  • “The Relationship Mirror Problem”
  • The Success Path for Failing Marriages
  • Marriage Crisis from Infidelity & Communication Breakdown
  • “Free your partner before they free themselves”

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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