What do you do when your partner tells you they have never loved you? What is really going on here?
You’ve probably heard the saying, “throw the baby out with the bathwater”.
It means to discard something valuable along with other things that are undesirable.
This is exactly what I see people do in their relationships.
You see, to simplify how we make sense of the world, we can generalise, distort or delete thoughts, memories and feelings.
A person who has been experiencing a challenging connection with a spouse may find they have to numb or detach their feelings to cope.
This is a survival position for that person, but there is a problem with this action.
The challenge is that as they numb the bad feelings, they are also unaware they are also numbing the possibility of good feelings.
The numbing process is not selective, and over time this can change how the person sees their relationship.
This is why people can rewrite their whole history together and say…
I never loved you!
I knew we were wrong for each other.
We were always a mistake.
This can happen despite years of loving times, loving messages, love letters etc.
The person who has deleted the bad and inadvertently the good is not lying when they cannot connect to the good times.
You see, the mind doesn’t need to remember those loving times when the quest is to leave the marriage through a need to self-protect.
This is why with so many people coming to me in survival states, getting them out and showing them how to never do that again is so important to learn.
In many cases, I see people self-protecting when they have really just misunderstood their differences.
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