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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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“Affairs don’t work”!

Marriages created from an affair are the least likely to be successful – the success rate is just 5%.

As you go through this post you see the transition problems affair couples are faced with when they choose to marry, plus you”ll find a story of a gentleman’s secret affair call with me – it’s quite shocking how lost he was.

I’ve shared with you the call we had below.

So why don’t affairs marriages last and what makes their success far worse than second marriages whose failure rate is also high?

The problem for affair couples is compounded by challenges they won’t naturally see because they become overwhelmed by feelings that distort what’s really happening.

Affairs create levels of illusion(s) because they are full of excitement and mystery in most cases they are about doing what they shouldn’t, it’s illicit, it’s intense, it’s passionate and full of excitement.

Affairs are not about responsibility, it’s about freedom and connection to themselves in a very different way.

For some, affairs allow them to be someone else, for others affairs allow individuals to bring out a deeper level of sexuality.

Many people worry that if their true sexual needs are discovered by their spouse they won’t be loved so it’s safer to have an affair. 

Every affair has its own unique drivers, but very few are built on solid foundations.

Affairs bring a powerful energy that a struggling marriage will struggle to compete with.

Once the person has crossed the line consequences in the moment will be unimportant.

There is a lot of energy and powerful chemicals at play that help people make irrational decisions that any sane person would reject in a heartbeat.

So how will affair partners respond to Groundhog Day

So what do you think will happen when the affair couple starts living together married and normal life sets in?

What happens when their connection is no longer all-consuming and a secret?

What happens when they experience “NORMAL LIFE”?

How will they keep that intensity alive, it’s no longer naughty or intense, it’s now about responsibility and building a new type of connection, it’s about building real trust with real foundations and creating lasting love.

Affairs are electric and take little effort to feel that way. Relationships that are successful are a daily decision to show up, love and care for someone and that takes effort it’s not automatic.

Plus…

Affair energy can confuse lust with love and drive people to feel they have found their true love and this can drive them to make terrible decisions.

He had to whisper his wife was downstairs.

I’ll never forget this conversation.

He told me he had to whisper because his wife was down stairs.

He told me 4 years ago he divorced his wife (the one downstairs) because he had an affair.

He left his wife (the one downstairs) for the affair partner. 

He said the divorce cost him a small fortune, but it was worth it because he was getting married to the affair partner, they passionately loved each other it was great.

But for some reason, his second marriage to the affair partner didn’t work out in fact it lasted just two years.

So at great expense he ended up divorcing her too.

So now he finds himself back in the original marital home with his first wife who thinks everything is now ok.

So I asked him “what help do you require from me?”

In a loud whisper he said: 

“WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING!!!”

So what did this man not know – I hope you are hearing this true story as a metaphor for many people who think they know best, until they see too late they don’t.

He was so swept up in the affair that was so much more fun than the marriage that had become boring.

He didn’t learn why the first marriage was failing and his part in that failure.

He also didn’t learn what he and his first wife were capable of creating with the right help.

He felt all he needed to know was he was unhappy and an affair changed that, so clearly the affair was his solution.

He didn’t get to know his affair partner in the context of normal living, plus he brought many old problems from his first marriage to the affair partner.

The affair partner started to become insecure, because she was now vulnerable to him going back to his wife and kids.

There is an irony for affair couples that marry and that’s there is a proven track record that their partner has had an affair and they know their secrets.

So now normal life is giving him a sharp slap in the face and he’s becoming unhappy with the affair partner he married.

He’s unhappy, with no fun, no passion just like his first marriage just more shouting at least his first wife wasn’t a shouter.

Sex with the affair partner was better, but that stopped happening.

He couldn’t cope with the affair partners’ rages and insecurities so he left and she filed for divorce, even more expense.

The real problem 

People that have affairs are using the emotions attached to the affair as a foundation for their future success and so are unaware they are building their new marriage on quicksand.

At 5% success rates what sane person would risk so much?

I know affairs will never stop, but understanding how to protect a relationship either from an affair, or how to protect it after one is a critical life skill to gain.

Category iconInfidelity-Affairs,  Marriage Coaching

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
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Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

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Success Stories

From Battlefield to Breakthrough: How to Save Your Marriage Without a Toxic Fight.

January 31, 2025 By Stephen Hedger

Most people who come to me for help believe their marriage is broken, so their level of hope is not high. Many will have tried to fix the problems without success. These people are unaware that there is a critical mindset shift: if you don’t make it, your chances of success dramatically drop. As you […]

“By changing yourself, you can change a relationship… because I did!”

September 16, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

We were in the process of physical separation, with my husband arranging to move out at the end of the month, and I was getting legal advice on proceeding with the divorce.  On one of those distressed and sleepless nights, I came across Stephen’s website and his blog. I was fascinated. What Stephen has written […]

“There’s no hope in hell – I want a divorce!”

April 22, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

So what do you do when the trust is broken so badly that their relationship ends with them selling their family home and moving into separate homes? Most people would consider this the end, but this gentleman decided something different. He wrote to me to see if I could help. I wanted to encourage his […]

Marriage Crisis from Infidelity & Communication Breakdown

August 21, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

Today’s post is about a professional couple in the UK who decided they wanted to share their experience of their tailormade program that was designed to help them out of their marital challenges. They were in crisis due to communication breakdown and infidelity. They had 12 meetings over five months to learn how to reconnect […]

His Marriage was Over!

June 5, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

This man was in the depths of sadness; his marriage was over, but he didn’t want it to be. They had seen numerous counsellors who had all concluded the marriage was indeed over. He had lost all feelings for his wife. Due to being so stuck for so long, he had started an affair. But […]

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