When I’m asked this question, I usually respond with this question…
“Do you love how you feel about yourself when you are with your partner?”
“Does your partner love how they feel about themselves when they are with you?”
If the answer is no for just one person, the next question will be, how long has this been going on?
People on a divorce path have usually been feeling wrong for at least two years unless there is a significant break of trust.
The reason I ask these questions is I know if those are true then the following is going to be happening.
After two years of problems, resentment stacking is going to be creating a far deeper challenge for that person and in turn their connection.
I’ll explain.
So if I have not liked how I feel about myself when I’m with you for two years it’s a typical time for how long it takes for a detachment model to be taking place.
They will now be living parallel transactional lives.
This means that person is no longer looking for the relationship to meet their needs, so their work, family, friends and their kids are now the vehicles each person uses to meet their needs.
This is a problem because the person in this place can start to wonder what is the point of the relationship so it is now losing its power.
So I don’t like how I feel about myself when I’m with you for at least two years.
This relationship no longer meets my critical needs, so I go outside the relationship to feel good.
Let’s compound what is also happening for many people.
People in this space tend to not do conflict in a healthy way, so our conflicts don’t end in a conclusion that feels good for one or both people.
It’s likely that one person is worried about the future because they can no longer see it with how they are being together.
In fact, many people are thinking if the next five years are like the last five it will fill them with dread.
What this creates is an ongoing negative mindset bias.
All they can now see is what’s wrong, so their feelings are constantly negative.
They may also be hyper-critical of their partner, and this will create a mirrored energy in their partner, and that will stack more proof the relationship doesn’t work.
Now one or both people are now growing powerfully destructive emotions and attaching them to their marriage these below will accelerate the couple towards physical or emotional divorce.
- Resentment
- Contempt
- Judgements
- Withdrawal
- Blaming
- Defensiveness
- Stonewalling
- Demanding
- and worst of all, indifference
People that feel this way for two long can look for relief from their suffering.
- Affairs
- Addictions
- Distractions outside the marriage
Any person in this space is usually on a divorce path, so they do tend to leave the marriage, but there are also many who are disconnected but settle, accept their lot and create a life away from the relationship.
So is this really the end for that couple? Should they leave? Should they settle?
Maybe, but it’s a risk that I don’t recommend until they have discovered if they are part of the problem.
If they don’t see their part, they will take their problem into their new life and run this emotional problem again.
It’s one of the reasons why second marriages have a much higher divorce rate.
What I see is people are here because they struggle to know how to get the connection going in a way which is good for both people.
For many, this is simply down to not understanding what to do, and they assume that based on what they are creating together, this is their truth.
Most couples I see and accept into my program are experiencing the truth of their lack of knowledge.
When they gain the right knowledge reconnection then becomes much easier because they can now see why their partner is responding the way they are.
There is a strategy to help individuals and couples gain clarity no matter what their starting point is.
The mission I put individuals and couples onto is gaining clarity.
So we don’t try to fix the marriage; we are looking for organic growth and natural reconnection.
This is what builds a reconnection that lasts.
The question is this; “…with the right knowledge and support, what are we capable of achieving?”