It started off so well but relationships are complicated and keeping one alive for a lifetime is a challenge as many are finding out.
So should those that are suffering throw in the towel?
One train of thought is if a person puts their heart and soul into their marriage for 3-6 months and the relationship was no better then maybe there is a case for moving on.
The problem with this thought is people are unaware of how to bring the best of themselves to their relationship.
The first hurdle is far too many people feel their problems are down to their partner.
I was working with one lady who was awful to her husband and yet she couldn’t seem to attach his lack of motivation in the marriage to how she was behaving towards him.
When relationships start to go wrong the couple can react in ways to rebalance these feelings.
For example: Mums and dads can start to get their needs met through the children, husbands and wives can get their needs met through their work.
Meeting each other needs keeps the connection and trust alive.
The problem many couples have is they are disconnected to what these needs are for each other and so they gravitate to meeting their own needs outside of the marriage and this starves the marriage of what it needs to stay alive.
In addition, the identity of husband and wife can get lost in a couples busy life.
This causes a problem because the role of a husband and a wife is very different from their professional and parental roles.
If the couple tries to use their professional or parental identities in their marriage they will struggle to keep connection attraction and passion alive.
So what do we have so far, firstly many people think their partner has to change for the relationship to work so they are not focused on being better partners themselves – this is a recipe for disaster.
They are disconnected from each others core needs and they can lose connection to the roles of husband and wife.
This combination of problems can create a significant disconnect as the two people struggle to connect with themselves and each other when they are together.
Many people can find they have a better connection with themselves when they are away from their partner.
This process builds resentment and disconnect.
Now let’s add into the equation the differences between men and women in communication and what each genders needs for the relationship to remain attractive.
Both people will need connection, love and passion, but their routes to it will be very different and this will not be obvious at the start of the relationship.
My point for today’s post is how can a person bring the best of themselves to their relationship if they don’t know how to bring value to their partner in a way that keeps the connection and passion alive.
You can’t bring the natural thinking of a man and assume he will understand a womans needs in an intimate relationship.
Men and women have to learn a different way of thinking to keep their connection alive and far too many have no idea what this means.
Many people are seeing their divorce or a new relationship is the solution to a relationship that gone wrong unaware they are a part of the problem.
Understanding how to be a valuable and effective partner is the solution to many marital problems.
If you can bring that valuable person to your relationship and that isn’t good enough for your partner then leaving is probably the right decision because you can’t do any more than be the best of yourself.
Becoming valuable to each other is a skill that needs to be learnt and no one tells us this is critical to keeping you and your partner in the marriage.
Successful healthy relationships are created they don’t just happen so learning how is such an important skill to master and pass on.