In nearly all my couples session there is one consistent problem couples experience and that is the couple communicate to each other as if their genders and their differences do not exist. If you understand the differences you will save your relationship.
So a man will listen to his wife as if she is a man talking to him. A woman will listen to her husband as if he is a woman talking her.
When this happens neither person in the relationship will feel heard or understood and over time this will build high levels of frustration and potential proof that the relationship is no longer working.
When the couple do this the meanings behind their words are never understood and so conflict is never far away.
The couple have failed to understand each other and when this happen critical needs stop being met and the relationship slowly starts to die.
The relationship can be saved as soon as the couple understand the gender differences and see their partnersÂ intentions were not destructive they were simple receiving the wrong message.
Men and women are totally different
The truth is men and women communicate in totally different ways, men are very direct in their approach and women use indirect language.
For example: If two women were talking about going to a party and one brought up the thought of another woman wearing the same dress as her. See might say â€œâ€¦if that happened I would just die!â€
To a man this is ridiculous, â€œâ€¦of course you wonâ€™t die!â€
If a man dating a woman says I canâ€™t see you Saturday. What he means is I canâ€™t see you Saturday! And thatâ€™s all he means. A woman will hear a thousand possible reasons behind his words. Heâ€™s going off me, Iâ€™m too fat, he likes someone else… etc, etc.
- Understand there are differences and youâ€™ll start be open to explore how to be successful.
So in a conflict situation when she is making him responsible for everything wrong in her life she is actually crying for help because on some level she feels unsafe and she wants him to make her safe again. So she will test him to see if he will look after her. Men at this point have a tendency to run away either physically or mentally, now she feels really unsafe with him.
When he shuts down or runs away, he is stuck, frustrated, hurt not knowing what to do.
Be under no illusion he wants with all of his heart to make his woman happy and she wants to feel safe. They both want the same things itâ€™s just confusion that creates the conflicts that ultimately leads to the couples separation.
The goal is to discover how to help each other to be successful by understanding the intent behind each others words and not making them wrong in their approach.