Virtually every couple I meet has been trying to fix the wrong problem in their marriage and without knowing are damaging their connection and trust in each other with every failed attempt.
If you try to fix the wrong problem, you’ll keep failing, and if you fail for long enough, one person will either look for an out or other ways to meet their critical needs.
When helping a couple out of a crisis, the most fundamental starting point is to help each person understand the real problems they are facing.
Most couples in crisis are unaware of what is driving their disconnection, and so when they try to connect, they will find their distance becomes significantly greater.
For most couples, their disconnect has been happening for years, but when emotional pain turns to suffering that person can start to either complain or they can suffer in silence emotionally detaching from their partner.
It’s critical the couple must be on the same page with why they are struggling, or both people will be trying to fix what they think is their problem.
If you listen to a couple in crisis, they can pretty much disagree on their root problem(s) and will both describe their version of events very differently.
The reason they must understand their problem accurately before they start communicating is because they must become a team to solve their issues.
Many couples are not even aware their partner is trying to solve a different problem to them.
Unless they get on the same page with the issues they face, their battle will continue to exhaust them and can for many give them the message they are incompatible.
Please note: Every couple in crisis who is fixing the wrong problem will end up feeling they are incompatible, and this helps them to give up faster.
So understanding the problems and getting on the same page to help each other is a critical part of the rebuilding process.
Each person must understand some Core Fundamentals.
Their core roles that build more connection and attraction. (Most people are making themselves less attractive through not understanding this crucial part that keeps love and passion alive).
How their partners’ emotional world is radically different from theirs. (Far too many people are totally unaware their partners’ needs, and thinking is very different to theirs – this lack of understanding creates significant disconnection).
How their own emotional system is not supporting themselves or their relationship. Many people have outdated or ill-formed patterns of behaviour that served them once but are not appropriate for their marriage.
Understanding all the above helps the couple to see their relationship differently.
The key to helping couples rebuild their marriage from a crisis is to help them understand the real problems they were facing but from the perspective of understanding how their partners’ world is very different from theirs.
The process of helping the couple understand their relationship and problems differently enables them both to start to see their problems in solvable terms.
This is the key to making their connection work again.
Most peoples crisis comes from only seeing their world from their own perspective. This action alone creates disconnection and problems that will grow and grow.
The couples that gain the best results are the ones that are open enough to learn that being married for life is a skill and so they will need new understandings and tools to be able to translate and effectively influence their partner.
You simply cannot support and connect to someone if you don’t know what drives them, what they need to feel attraction, and what excites them about their life.
Thankfully these are all learnable skills for those passionate enough to want to learn.
