Many couples come to see me with a message that they have been signed up to my blog for years and now their marriage has hit a real crisis point and they are hoping I can fit them into my schedule FAST!
So what I’m seeing is people are very aware they are having difficulties years before, but they choose to put themselves through years of unnecessary stress waiting for there to be no other choice than seek help or get a divorce.
Sadly their belief initially is they thought/hoped their problems would magically get better on their own.
PLEASE NOTE: Relationship problems rarely fix themselves.
Waiting for problems to just go away is a very dangerous strategy as the best time to deal with a relationship problem is NOW! Not in one or two years time.
In fact, if I had my way – Couples with no problems what-so-ever would come and learn how to make their relationship bulletproof and protect it from problems like affairs, power struggles, and conflicts.
Waiting to see if problems are going to get better or worse could further confirm to one person the problems are not solvable which for so many couples is untrue. Believing problems are unsolvable can lead a person to shut down and emotionally detach if left for too long.
It’s also dangerous to wait because problems just don’t go away and they can sit in the relationship as a resentment that stack as the person looks for and finds more things to feel resentful about.
Resentments, when stacked over time, can become the proof that it’s best to hold back to protect yourself from this relationship. This exact process is what kills love.
Resentments can also become a significant part of the persons’ story of their life with their partner and can be used to gain social support when not wanting to look bad as they break up their family.
So it’s critical to make sure hidden resentments are not growing in you, or your relationship if they are and you want to keep your relationship you must take action.
So the problem couples have with really talking about their issues or resentments is they don’t know how to do this without rocking the boat or causing more trauma.
So they cross their fingers everything will just be ok and so they wait.
What couples really need to do is put their hands up early and communicate that there is a problem and they want to find a way to solve it.
My personal mission is to empower couples to be able to share their experiences openly, but in a way that doesn’t look for blame, or fault and builds more trust and a stronger connection.
So what should couples be communicating about that could collapse the marriage if they don’t deal with it fast?
This list below is the stuff you must NOT bury your head with and you must NOT wait to see what happens.
- I’m struggling to be myself with you
- We don’t communicate anymore – Except practically
- I’m falling out of love
- I’m no longer attracted to you
- Holding back in the marriage
- Feeling insignificant
- I feel everything else apart from me is important to you, kids, jobs, your mother, friends etc
- Sex life is in decline
- Significant life changes – e.g. births, deaths, retirement, children leaving home, loss of a job
- I’m suppressing a part of me to keep the peace
- I’m doing it your way because it’s less hassle for me
- Burying problems such as discovery of affairs, or significant breaks of trust
- Conflict that goes round in circles
- I don’t feel you have my back
- When one partner becomes the JUDGE of everything!
- When the couple live in blame
- Feeling attraction to someone else
- I’ve given up who I am to be with you
- My partner seems ok, but I’m not
- My partner is always out
- We are not prioritising our relationship anymore
- I don’t feel desired anymore
- I can’t see where this is going
- There is no emotional connection between us
- My partner has no empathy
- Depression and the relationship
- Stress and the relationship
- I don’t know what you want?
- One person is always negative or unhappy
- We don’t agree on how to bring up the kids
- One person always controls the money I feel like a child
- Overly controlling partners
- Aggressive behaviour
- Passive aggressive behaviour
This list, of course, could go on and on
What all these challenges have in common is they will start-up a natural disconnection mechanism.
Couples can take up to two years to get to full disconnect to the point the relationship has become meaningless and they have to get out.
It’s so important to know what you are both doing that is killing the relationship without you knowing.
My message is today is very simple if you are having problems deal with them before you hit a crisis.
I deal with some of the most challenging disconnections and break of trust and if every couple had come to me earlier the process would have been so much easier for them.