When someone has decided they want to leave their relationship, or are making sounds this is what they want, it’s key to understand what is really going on within them so you can help them make a good decision for them?
I’ve written todays post to uncover what is really going on and why because it’s perfectly possible to reconnect a couple who look like they are at the end of the road once the couple understand what’s really happening to them.
So let start with the basics, many people are not aware that life is really about our ‘feelings’. We are all on a quest to achieve the feelings we want.
We like the feelings that make us feel good and we do our best to move away from ‘the things’ that create painful or uncomfortable feelings.
For example: When we first meet someone and we like how we feel, we may want to meet them again. If we don’t like how we feel, we’ll usually choose not to see them again.
We can all relate on some level to this very basic experience.
So how can a couple move from meeting falling in love and end up with one person wanting out?
So this is where a potentially long list of problems could appear, but I want to share with you a different perspective by asking you a question?
Who is creator of our feelings?
I wonder what answer you came to. The reality is there is only one creator of your experience on this planet and that’s you.
I hear many couples blaming each other for how they feel, yet this is impossible. I agree your partner can influence your feelings, however the key is in how you translate what your partner is doing or saying.
Yes someone can influence your feelings, but you are the creator.
For example: What if when a woman gets upset the man instead of seeing her words as an attack, he hears them as a cry to reconnect with him because she loves him.
This experience creates a new and better perspective and creates a different feeling within him. Plus if you then provide him with the confidence to know what to do to help her feel safe in this situation, the experience changes totally for them both.
So when you are experiencing your own feelings they are based on your own unique interpretation of the situation you are in. This results in you being totally responsible for what you are experiencing.
What I see across the board is couples in real trouble have really done their best with each other based on what they know about themselves and each other.
The majority end up confused because they are making assumptions that their partner is trying to hurt them by what they do, or they don’t do. They make this assumption because they are in pain emotionally and they feel they have tried historically to get through to their partner on some level.
So when someone is feeling pain and they assume their partner is trying to hurt them what happens next compounds the pain and gives the person even more motivation to leave the relationship.
The persons behaviours are no longer reflective of who they are. This person no longer feels safe to contribute to the relationship and will feel a distinct gap start to appear.
They know how awful they feel in the relationship, but they are contrasting it with how much better they feel either at work, or with friends, or maybe with that someone new.
The person is compounding their pain and attaching it to the relationship and this makes them want to move away from it.
The person behaving this way has not understood they are the creator of this experience. They have attached how bad they feel to their husband or wife think they are the source of their pain.
This is the illusion of their own creation.
Their biggest pain is they don’t know how to feel safe to be who they really are with their partner. In essence they change their identity to protect themselves from a partner they ‘feel’ is trying to hurt them.
They don’t like the feelings they are creating in this new identity and they feel to stop these awful feelings they have to leave them.
To some degree they are right if they leave the relationship, they will let go of this protective version of themselves and feel good again, but they would have lost so much in the process. Plus they could find themselves repeating this situation with new partners.
So leaving the relationship is not always the best and safest answer. Many couple split up only to find themselves back together, what I have illustrated above is a significant reason.
- What if the person could learn how to connect with who they really are within their relationship?
- What if the person could learn how to interpretation the true meanings behind their partner words and actions?
- What if the person could feel their parter does care and want the best for them they just didn’t understand how and they got scared too?
This is some of what couples on the edge are learning with me. I do agree that everyone is compatible, but finding out the truth will save you from years of uncertainty.
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