As each person presents their truth what is easy to see is when each person tells me their version of events the problem they face is true to them.
The problem is their partner has a different perspective about the same situation, so who is right?
What they are not seeing is they are both right from their own perspective.
You see what we are not told is the profound difference between us and our partners emotional drivers, needs, value make-up, communication styles and what equals attraction.
The biggest problem is we think we are versions of each other and so we set our expectations so we get upset when they don’t do what we want them to, or what we would do.
Our partner will never act they way we would because they see and experience the world very differently.
When men try to fix a woman’s problems why are they now more upset with him? After all, this is what he is primarily designed to do.
Why do men assume the problem he is trying to fix for her is the right problem to fix?
You see the couples are so busy being right, self-protecting and being hurt that they are missing a fundamental problem.
They are designed to see the world differently so the challenges they face are normal yet they think there is something wrong with their partner or their partner doesn’t care.
In most cases that isn’t true.
If two people are simply experiencing a different truth surely we can’t make their individual perspectives wrong.
What if two people understood the problem in such a way they could become a team and fight the problem and not each other?
What the couples in trouble are doing is not respecting the problem from their partners perspective, because they are so entrenched in their own problems under the illusion they are right.
Your partner might not be behaving in a way that you would like so what do we assume, your partner intends to harm you?
In most cases people are not trying to hurt their partner, they may get frustrated at times and lash out, but really all they want is to have normal feelings that grow relationships.
What if couples stopped their fight and started to learn the problems from both perspectives.
What’s missing is love and compassion for each others perspective and it’s due to ill thought-out expectations.
We expect our partners to perform in a way they are not designed to and when they fail we judge and blame them and this practice creates self-protection and then we wonder why the love has died.
The starting point is to understand a fundamental fact!
Your partner is not like you in so many ways so instead of judging and blaming them for not seeing the world the same as you.
Maybe the quest should be to understand the world from their perspective and learn a skill that helps you get the best out of them.
What if we replaced the negative triggers with positive ones, remember you can only achieve this once you have understood them.
Remember your battle as a couple is with “the problems” and not each other so just because you don’t understand your partner or their upset it’s doesn’t make them wrong.
So the next step is to get the correct translation of the problem so you can understand it, then and only then can you become an effective partner and relationship team member.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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