One of the foundational pillars that successful couples have is their ability to embrace the concept of freedom.
These passionate couples have adopted a model that frees each other to become more of who they really are.
People who kill their connection are the ones who feel the need to control their partner.
You’ve probably heard the old saying “Behind every great man there is a great woman”.
When each person supports the growth of their partner, these couples can then feel free and happy and attach that feeling to their partner.
If you listen to people who have had enough of their marriage and want out – freedom or space to feel free is what they value most.
So, people must feel free in their marriage, not trapped.
You see, people who have to change who they are to survive in their relationship will usually suffer.
This concept was beautifully displayed by this couple who attended my session over ten years ago.
A country gentleman in his 50s and his Italian wife 10 years younger came to see me because their 6-year-old relationship was in trouble.
He loved her, but he was at a loss about what to do.
She was clearly depressed, low energy very disinterested in him and her life.
I discovered that they were a passionate couple when they first met, but after a few problems, he told me she started to display anger.
She started to bring her anger to him frequently, and as he tried to reason with her to calm her down, she got worse.
This cycle of bickering attacking and defending became their new pattern.
Neither were happy and so saw a counsellor.
The gentleman told the counsellor he felt she had anger management problems and the counsellor agreed.
His wife was very upset with the bickering so when her husband and this professional agreed she felt they must be right.
Maybe the problem was her so she attended an anger management course.
The result of this course was she became depressed.
She became depressed because it killed her passion, it killed who she was.
You see the husband had misunderstood her anger as an attack on him – it wasn’t.
She was simply passionately displaying her emotions – it was her way of trying to get through to him.
She was calling for him to connect with her.
You see if you want passion in the bedroom then passion is likely to be the model outside the bedroom too.
I meet so many couples who don’t ever argue resulting in no passion outside the bedroom and so usually no passion in the bedroom either.
So, this gentleman inadvertently killed her passion across the board.
You see in his family growing up emotional exchanges were not allowed, so he made her wrong when she expressed herself with passion.
She is a passionate Italian woman; you can’t kill that energy in her it’s part of her identity.
He didn’t have the skill of how to keep and direct her passion for the good of the relationship.
So he killed it dead by judging her, making her wrong and so she withdrew.
She gave up who she was because she loved him.
I see so many cases where both men and women have changed who they are to stay and survive in their marriage.
Some couples have given up who they are and become parents because they don’t know how to keep the husband and wife identity alive.
I remember asking this lady when was the last time she felt like herself – she instantly burst into tears 15 years was her answer.
Working couples will bring their professional success identities into the marriage and wonder why those identities don’t work.
I asked one CEO the difference between being a CEO and being a husband – he had no idea.
If a person has to leave the relationship to be themselves, then this very important practice of embracing freedom as a couple is not present and is critical to learn.
Please note: Humans tend to be significantly happier when free to be themselves because this is an important foundation for their personal growth.
This skill of embracing freedom is a critical pillar for couples/individuals to learn so they can avoid resentment, detachment and self-numbing.
You see you can’t keep someone in a relationship by controlling them the paradox is you can only keep them when you free them.
A person must feel free in their relationship, free to be who they are free to grow and become more of what they desire.
I see many cases of people who feel trapped in their marriage by their partner.
I also see many cases where people trap themselves by not knowing who they are.