One of the biggest requests from people who have suffered in their marriage is they want space, freedom to think, they just want to get away, run away, escape it all.
It’s why so many seek/demand separation or temporary separation as the best next step to buy some time.
In extreme cases, I agree with this as a strategy, but for most people, it’s a dangerous one as you see in today’s post.
They want freedom from their pain and suffering, they want freedom from the problems and the feelings that make them feel awful at home.
They need time and space to think.
Their quest for FREEDOM is a critical need, but it must be understood so a hard life session doesn’t create a life of regret for the person seeking that freedom.
So I wanted to help couples avoid this trap.
Below is a typical example:
This quest for freedom can start in a person gravitating to working longer hours, or they may increase their desire/frequency to get out of the house and spend time with friends and family.
Some do this consciously, some initially are unaware.
In essence they are looking for ways to get away from their partner.
They are naturally wanting to get away from the feelings they don’t like when their partner is around.
The problem with this pattern is they start to learn something which makes total sense but is not necessarily true.
They learn when they are away from their partner they feel better about themselves, when they are at home with their partner they feel bad within themselves.
That thought process seems logical, but remember the person creating their feelings is them. No one can run inside a persons mind and make them feel anything.
The most another person can do is influence/trigger them, so after the initial trigger, the rest of their emotions is theirs to own.
IMPORTANT: So the person wanting FREEDOM, needing to escape, to get away is actually wanting to get away from the feelings they are creating in their own mind when they are with, or around their partner.
This is why separation can be so dangerous for a couple, the person wanting to get out can attach their instant relief to them being apart and this becomes their truth.
They may think this is the solution and so they lose a critical opportunity to learn a life-changing critical lesson.
In reality, they felt better because they dropped their emotional wall, the wall they put up to protected them, but keeping the wall up was exhausting and emotionally painful.
The process of dropping the wall of protection is the cause of the relief and of course, that wall of protection is not needed when they are apart.
So when people are asking for freedom what they really need is help to understand how they can be free to be themselves within the marriage, free to no longer have to put the emotional wall of protection up.
This is where true FREEDOM sits and what most people struggle to connect to and understand.
Far too many people lose themselves in their marriage and it’s because they don’t have the understanding, or the skills to keep their true identity alive so they don’t feel free and some feel they have to leave to gain freedom back.
Maintaining their own identity is their responsibility and in a skilled relationship, it’s both people who can help each other with this.
So they lose connection with themselves and then each other, they then feel bad attach their pain to their partner, and the ping-pong of destruction starts to appear as their fears take over the marriage and the emotional walls go up.
Judgments, blame, self-protection, defensiveness, control, withholding all become part of the couple’s dynamic.
It’s normal to want to escape all that, but ending the marriage doesn’t tell you a critical truth about each person and their relationship and what it was capable of.
It would be such a shame to learn the wrong lesson from a marriage that’s suffering only to repeat the same destructive patterns in future relationships.
The question is this…
Do I know how to be my core self in my relationship? Do I know how to reclaim my identity and make a safe decision about my future?
- Some people need to be freed from their past.
- Some people do need to be freed from their relationship, but they must find out the root problems in case they are part of the problem.
- Some need to be freed from their limiting beliefs.
- Some need to be freed from their destructive thinking that blocks love from existing and growing.
- Some people need to learn the steps to be free in their own relationships.
The answers to those questions and thinking with wisdom is where your FREEDOM sits!!!