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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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How Emotional Patterns Destroy Marriages

The challenge we all face is on some level we all have some kind of unhelpful pattern that we learned growing up. 

It’s nothing to be ashamed of because growing up we all learn to create different coping strategies for the challenges life throws at us and to be fair there are a lot of challenges.

Some of us growing up have had far bigger challenges than others so everyone’s patterns are unique to them.

I remember being in a session with a lady who learned to smile every time she was in emotional pain. She was doing exactly what her mother did.

So parents without knowing can give us their distorted patterns.

The problem is many of our emotional patterns are not helpful because they were created in our childhood for our childhood.

So if 90%+ of our emotional patterns were designed through childhood and those patterns form our automatic responses to life, Imagine as adults the problem we may incur.

As couples settle into life together they will become less present and the automatic patterns start to appear. 

When a couple starts to run these outdated patterns with each other they will find they are instantly incompatible this creates conflict.

It becomes more apparent over time and will feel accelerated when the couple feels pressure that ignites their fear patterns.

These fear patterns can change the model of how we feel and see the world and in those moments we can say and do things that, we would never do normally.

What I’m sharing is this; they may be a perfectly compatible couple normally at the core, but if you add in their outdated patterns you will see the disconnect appear.

Emotional patterns are behaviours we use without conscious thought, if we had to think and negotiate every action life would be very difficult/boring/hard.

Much of what we do is automated (patterned) they are designed to make life easier and in most cases they do.

The problem is when fear strikes a person the emotional pattern they run is likely to trigger distorted behaviour in them and that will then trigger distorted behaviour in their partner.

Couples end up spending years practising and getting really good at these automatic patterns distorting how each person sees the other, you are negative and mean, and you are unloving and selfish.

The profile of who they married has now changed into a totally different person. They have created in their mind someone they would never choose if they met them for the first time today.

They get so good at practising these distortions, they can end up taking each person to the edge of feeling hopeless.

So exhausted they can start to give up and see the relationship as pointless.

This is where couples go in different directions. 

Some will keep going till it ends, others will feel stuck, staying feels bad, but leaving them feels wrong too.

Then there are the other couples.

Deep down they know they love each other and for some couples, they can be so close to the edge of divorce they scare themselves into a full-blown cards on the table honest heart-to-heart.

It clears the air.

These couples talk and talk, in fact, they have never talked so much, they feel better and feel far more connected.

Relieved they may reconnect. 

What they are not seeing is they are NOT currently running their patterns, they are both present so there is a change.

But as time passes and normal life resumes, their patterns naturally wander back and resume their role and now it feels worse than before.

This is a complex subject that I have simplified to help you see what I see every day.

Emotional patterns designed for a different lifetime can ruin your connection with someone you love today.

So NEVER assume a disconnected marriage is the whole truth, it’s only a truth of the distorted patterns, not of who they both really are.

So when you change the patterns in just one person in a very specific way that has THE POWER to change the patterns in both.

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
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Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

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Success Stories

From Battlefield to Breakthrough: How to Save Your Marriage Without a Toxic Fight.

January 31, 2025 By Stephen Hedger

Most people who come to me for help believe their marriage is broken, so their level of hope is not high. Many will have tried to fix the problems without success. These people are unaware that there is a critical mindset shift: if you don’t make it, your chances of success dramatically drop. As you […]

“By changing yourself, you can change a relationship… because I did!”

September 16, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

We were in the process of physical separation, with my husband arranging to move out at the end of the month, and I was getting legal advice on proceeding with the divorce.  On one of those distressed and sleepless nights, I came across Stephen’s website and his blog. I was fascinated. What Stephen has written […]

“There’s no hope in hell – I want a divorce!”

April 22, 2024 By Stephen Hedger

So what do you do when the trust is broken so badly that their relationship ends with them selling their family home and moving into separate homes? Most people would consider this the end, but this gentleman decided something different. He wrote to me to see if I could help. I wanted to encourage his […]

Marriage Crisis from Infidelity & Communication Breakdown

August 21, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

Today’s post is about a professional couple in the UK who decided they wanted to share their experience of their tailormade program that was designed to help them out of their marital challenges. They were in crisis due to communication breakdown and infidelity. They had 12 meetings over five months to learn how to reconnect […]

His Marriage was Over!

June 5, 2023 By Stephen Hedger

This man was in the depths of sadness; his marriage was over, but he didn’t want it to be. They had seen numerous counsellors who had all concluded the marriage was indeed over. He had lost all feelings for his wife. Due to being so stuck for so long, he had started an affair. But […]

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Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.


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Recent Posts

  • Do You Know Your Values & Why They Are So Important?
  • “Should I Stay or Go?” Why You Shouldn’t Make Big Decisions While You’re Still Suffering
  • Stop & Never: The 30 Patterns That Quietly Destroy Relationships
  • “How to Fix Communication Issues in a Marriage”
  • “First Step to Fixing Any Marriage Problem”
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