Loss of attraction is a very common problem that couples face that can lead them to end their relationship.
I remember a couple (Dan & Sue) attending my program she came for help because she had lost attraction for her husband and was questioning if the relationship could continue.
The result of her loss of attraction meant intimacy had died and from his perspective she had become more controlling in the relationship.
In a place of self-protection he had withdrawn and was reluctant to try any advance towards her in fear in being further rejected.
In essence, he just kept his head down avoided conflict and essentially treading on eggshells around her.
If this energy between them continued they would almost certainly find themselves looking at a divorce.
She knew she couldn’t continue in a relationship without intimacy and attraction and he had lost so much confidence he was only focused on losing her and his own life and worried about where he might end up.
They ended up living practical parallel lives mainly because of the children occupying the same home without ever emotionally connecting.
She reached out to me and within a few weeks, they were both invested in learning what had created such a disconnected dynamic and what they could do about it.
What many of my clients share with me is the solution they received from me was nothing like they expected.
The reason for this is the couple is simply not connected to the core problem they face. They are far too emotionally attached to how they see their problems (they end up learning from me they are their symptoms, not their problems) and their failure with unsuccessfully dealing with those symptoms.
Attraction must be maintained if the couple is going to keep intimacy alive.
The problem is most couples create a dynamic that kills their attraction and so the energy that sparked a desire to be together changes and so they end up meet core needs outside of the relationship without thinking.
A typical example for where their energy goes: The children meet my needs or the job meets my needs this creates a gravity toward where they feel successful and happy.
The moment this happens the relationship becomes vulnerable because each person is meeting critical needs, but it’s not meeting the needs of intimacy that can lead to sexual attraction and desire.
Individuals lacking in sexual intimacy in their marriage can find they have experienced this energy outside of their relationship and it can either be confusing/upsetting or it can lead to complicated situations like sexual and emotional affairs.
Stranger ignites sexual energy
I remember one lady came to a session on her own. She told me a story about her walking in the woods she tripped and fell banging her head hard.
Whilst on the floor coming round she heard a horse coming towards her at speed and she was afraid she would be trampled.
A man jumped from the horse and made sure she was ok before helping her to her feet.
She was telling me this story because the interaction with this man had created an energy in her and she couldn’t stop thinking about him.
His kindness and care his eyes, it all helped her to remember what she had felt years before at the start of her relationships.
In this moment she felt intense attraction and emotional connection.
She told me she was happily married, she didn’t want to share this story with her husband because she knew it would upset him, but she was confused at the what it meant because she no longer had those feeling with her husband.
She told me her husband was a good man a wonderful father and she would never leave him, but her mind was constantly reminding her of that day and her husband could feel her distraction at the time and she had to lie to him about what she was really thinking.
This lady and Dan & Sue had experienced the same problem as so many couples do.
They are not understanding how to create and keep alive the energy that creates an attraction based dynamic for life.
One of the reasons is couples are working so hard to be the same. Being the same creates connection and security, but it also kills attraction.
Attraction is about differences
The problem is attraction is about differences and the energy that creates those differences.
As couples start to have problems their desire to create more security goes up and so not only do we experience loss of connection we are lowering our feeling of attraction.
The energy that desires security and connection is not the energy that creates difference which is the foundation for sexual attraction and so the couples over time erode their sexual connection without ever meaning to.
With Dan & Sue understanding these differences through their program had a profound effect on their relationship as each person became confident with their role in keeping their sexual energy alive while maintaining connection and emotional security.
This is the juggling act most couples are not even aware of and so the problem grows bigger without each person being aware.
Dan & Sue were given different instruction whilst they both learnt how different they are were from each other and why these difference are so important to understand and respect.
Both Dan & Sue were shocked at the solution they received because it’s not something they had never considered.
Most importantly showing up in the relationship with new understanding created the confidence to build a new energy.
They discovered their attraction dynamic.
This new energy was not founded in fears it was rooted in two people knowing how to create an attraction dynamic that ignited their natural desire to be sexually attracted.
Relationship building and helping people deal with their problems is pointless if the creation of attraction is not understood.
Attraction and sexual desire is based on energy and if that energy becomes a foundation in day-to-day life the couple is actively keeping alive the difference between them being just friends and passionate being lovers.
Most couples are living as friends and then wondering why sexual connection is so difficult.
Dan & Sue created a new energy and focus and sexual energy that is now part of their relationship again.
Sue knew she wanted a sexual connection for a relationship to work for her but she didn’t want it with Dan.
She was shocked at her own response
This changed for Sue as Dan brought to her a new energy and her response within herself surprised her.
This is important – what she needed to help her sexually reconnect was not something even she understood, so she could never have shared it with Dan to help him be successful with her.
Now she giggles when she talks about her new level of intimacy with Dan and the foundation of their energy feels much more playful and fun.
This couple listened and followed exact instructions and quickly saw a dramatic level of connection reappear.
Both Dan & Sue were sceptical when they started their program, but for the sake of their children, they both had hope for a different future.
Many couples are suffering because they cannot fix what they can’t see or are unaware of so they try to fix what they think is the problem.
This only creates a bigger problem because now we are both suffering and unable to make the relationship better.
I hope today’s post has helped you to become more curious about your relationship and what is actually possible for couples like Dan & Sue who were convinced their relationship had run its course.