So when coaching this lady I purposely took her to one of her triggers so I could learn how she did her upset to herself.
I then took her into a calmer emotional state and asked her to reflect on what happened so she could tell me what rule of hers did I break?
“What do you mean”? she answered.
“For you to become upset you will have a rule and something I did or said broke that rule”.
“Do you know what the rule is”?
“I have no idea, I didn’t know I had rules” she answered.
“Many people are unaware of this too” I said.
“So how do you know your rule is a good one, if you don’t know what it is”?
“The problem is other people might upset you without them knowing your rules, so either we have to tell everyone you know what the rule is or we need to change it or delete it”.
“Maybe the rule is too strict or disempowering or out dated, maybe the rule is really the right rule for you”?
“How would we know”?
“Her rule was working against her”
“So why don’t we work out what your rule is?”
She agreed.
The context of her upset was she was dead against planning her own life and her husband wanted to plan everything.
She saw planning as a loss of her desire to live free and to take life as it comes.
So she would lose freedom if she planned it.
So when her husband encouraged her to plan her life with him she felt she was going to lose that sense of living free and this upset her and it took them into conflict every time.
This wasn’t about the husband getting his way, it was about understanding if her rule was working for or against her.
By exploring her rule we discovered something interesting.
What she hadn’t seen is that by not planning her life she had to work far harder and for longer than if she had planned it.
So she wasn’t gaining the freedom she wanted because she was not planning for her freedom.
Fortunately, she started to see the rule she didn’t know she had was actually working against her.
BUT imagine if she never discovered this she would have lived a far harder life wanting freedom but never getting there.
It’s like the person who spends 20 years trying to get rich quick.
People set up “rules” either without knowing or understanding them.
Sometimes these rules come from their own thinking through life experiences and sometimes they could have adopted rules from their parents.
Most people create rules without knowing and many people are living in rules that were designed for totally different life conditions.
Not knowing the rules that create a person’s upset means everyone has to tip-toe around that person just so they don’t trigger them.
I see many families that are living this way so not to upset a mum or a dad.
So we have to either change the rule, or get rid of it totally.
So from today you now know if anyone is upset it’s because their rule was broken.
Be prepare for the person who is upset to not know what the rule is.
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
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