Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Advisor | Harley Street London

Have you ever noticed that your partner just doesn’t understand you? Have you ever noticed that you can say something and they can then make you responsible for a totally different set of words that you never said?

One of the biggest complaints I hear is that my partner doesn’t understand me. This feeling can create all sorts of problems so a relationship becomes more full of words that are not spoken than one that are. The reason is the couple stop communicating because the process of speaking becomes just too painful.

Of course this is a massive problem and creates a loss of connection and love.

So why does this happen? The reason is men and women have totally different communication styles and so when each other speaks what happens is they have to translate each others words into their own meaning, they then make their partner responsible for their own translation.

IMPORTANT: So when your partner speaks are you translating their words into your own meaning and then blaming your partner for your translation of their words?

Many couples in arguments complain to each other, “…that’s not what I said” or “…that’s not what I meant!”

I have watched couples do this live in my sessions, so I slow down the process so they understand what they are doing. For example we pick a topic that is causing them some problems and I ask the man to explain his take on the problem, I then ask the woman to then translate what she heard and the meaning she put to it.

We then hear the woman communicate back something totally different much to the surprise of the man.

Of course this happens in reverse too.

Relationship test to try at home

Try this out for yourself, pick a topic which you know has been a challenge for you both and see if when you speak your partner translates your words back to you in the way you meant it.

Are their words in line with what you meant or are they totally different?

If they are totally different then you know there is a challenge and this could be causing more problems than is necessary.

So what is the solution

The solution is simple know that your translation of what they say is not going to be correct or what they meant. So it is important to not react negatively or assume your partner is out to hurt you.

Find out what they mean and trust that what they say they meant is the correct translation after all their words have come from their thoughts not yours.

Stephen Hedger
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