If you want to learn how to repair your marriage this post is for you. Relationships are extremely valuable and they need looking after if you want to keep them alive, so today you will learn one key skill that’s the foundation to rebuilding your relationship.
The challenge with this is most couples don’t know how to look after the relationship and sadly many are not even aware they have to, they think it should just happen.
Couples end up thinking their relationship is the problem when in reality they are simply bad relationship managers.
To be clear long-term successful relationships don’t just happen they are created, so anyone thinking their initial spark is enough for life is in for a shock.
So many couples create emotional patterns that are designed to protect them, but the reality is these patterns will have starved the relationship of what it needs to survive.
The relationship then starts to break down as the trust dies and no one really knows what to do to stop it.
One or both people will then become fearful which can accelerate the process of disconnect.
How I see relationships in its simplest form is there are two banks you need to keep your eye on.
One is the “Bank of Pleasure”, the other is the “Bank of Resentment”.
Most couples start their relationship with the “Bank of Pleasure” high and the “Bank of Resentment” low so naturally it feels good.
As the relationship progresses and the couple starts to be challenged by their differences, their day-to-day life stresses and their focus turns to what’s wrong.
Resentment starts to grow in the marriage and their focus moves slowly away from what’s great about the relationship and moves toward what’s wrong – it’s this shift of focus that’s catastrophic.
If the person spends long enough in the “what’s wrong land” the person will start a natural defence process that will end up with them feeling emotionally numb, or constantly anxious or on red alert for problems.
The challenge is one or both people in the relationship are going to need to acquire some new skills if they want to repair their marriage.
Skill one: Get on the same page with the real issue(s)!
They need new skills because to successfully repair the relationship they are going to have to be on the same page understanding what the real challenge is.
This is a big problem!
Almost every couple that comes to see me thinks their problem(s) is one thing, only to discover it’s something totally different.
Imagine your both going around in circles thinking your problem is loss of connection only to learn neither person understood the building blocks of a successful connection.
What’s worse is the couple usually doesn’t agree on what their problem is, and then wonders why they have been going around in circles for years.
In many cases, couples are seeing their differences as problems when they would be far more successful if they embraced their differences as strengths.
So they are not a team focused on fixing the same problem, they are in a battle fighting for the other side to see the problem from their perspective.
The fastest way for a couple to kill their sexual energy is to make them the same, fear can drive couples to end up like siblings.
Note: The most successful process for repelling a partner is to control them, and to be clear passive control is bad too.
Getting on the same page with understanding the real problem is the start to repairing the relationship.
No matter how bad things get, the moment there is an alignment at an emotional level then two people are together in a shared reality where their differences are celebrated.
This is a foundation that enables the couple to grow, but only if they have the right tools.
I talk to couples about learning how to create and grow a brand new relationship based on genuine foundations.
Not a rehash of the old unstable ones!
When couples really learn how to understand each other and what’s really important to each other then the relationship can really grow.
Please remember this skill isn’t natural no matter how intuitive a person feels they are.
The process is simple, stop doing what doesn’t work and start doing what does.
This is why my clients come for help they want fast simple and effective solutions to seemingly complex problems they can’t fix on their own.
They want advice that drives their ability to connect as a team whilst looking for win-win solutions to the problems that life throws at us all.