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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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Losing your identity in a marriage

Losing who you are is a very common problem especially for couples who spend extended time struggling to deal with their ongoing disconnection.

Many people can find they have lost a sense of who they are because over the years they have bent themselves out of shape to try to either please their partner, or be who they they think their partner wants them to be.

I see so many people who have lost who they are in their marriage and this can be devastating for this person and their partner as the relationship is starved of what it really needs to survive.

People who lose who they are suffer greatly.

Losing your essence is emotionally exhausting because whichever way they turn life can feel wrong this can be very frightening for that person.

It takes as much energy to live in your true essence as it does to change into being someone you are not.

The difference with being someone you are not in your marriage is it’s exhausting as the person is becoming emotionally depleted every day.

Someone who lives in the essence of themselves in their life is the person who fills-up and enjoys their own energy, their own time with themselves they live at peace with themselves and their own life – this person has a greater chance of a wonderful relationship because the relationship with themselves is healthy.

There can be many reasons why someone can lose who they are in their marriage but, if you want the real reason FEAR is at the root of the problem. Fear we won’t be loved and fear we won’t be enough.

Add into these fears no idea how to truly develop and grow an intimate relationship with the opposite sex (which to be honest is most couples it see) and the person is left with needing some level of control to create the certainty they are looking for in their relationship.

The ultimate control in a relationship is the thought that to be happy and reclaim myself, separation or divorce is my only solution. So many people chose this route and regret their decision, primarily because they have tried to solve the wrong problem.

Their assumption is “I feel bad when I’m with you” They are missing the fact they feel bad because they have lost who they are and they are attaching that pain to their partner.

They are also missing their partner is likely to be in reaction to this loss of self connection. This can create distorted behaviour in both people that can be used as ammunition as to why they need to leave the relationship.

Imagine if someones happiness is always dependant on others behaving in the way they think they should (Control) – how dependant and out of control is this person of their own happiness.

Because this person is likely to blame their partner for how they feel they are missing that over the years they have reacted to their situation in such a way that they have created their own disconnection from themselves and this is a big part of their problem.

I’m of course not saying that their partner is perfect, who is… but thinking the world only works in the way one person sees it is far too limiting and destructive for the person in the long run.

People who have had challenging histories are highly likely to be very good at holding back in their relationship to protect themselves from being hurt.

The problem is those that are using the following mechanisms are putting themselves at massive risk of uncovering and realising the biggest fear they have been protecting themselves from all the time.

  • Blame others for how they feel
  • Holding back in their relationship
  • Control their own emotional states by using addictive processes like gym, food, TV or alcohol or just being overly busy.

Men and women are so very different and so your partner is NOT going to react to situations they way you would.

In fact if your partner is acting in way that you wouldn’t it might be that they are also being triggered by their own fears and so they are taking control too.

Being our true essence in our relationship is critical and the moment you think you can’t be that person, that’s the time to put your hand up and communicate there is the potential of a severe problem.

Not being able to be yourself in your marriage is a severe problem, but it doesn’t mean the relationship is wrong and in most cases can be quickly solved.

Leave it too long and the job becomes a big one for both people.

 

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

“It was like walking through a minefield blindfolded”

November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

One small shift changed her mind & saved her marriage – Part 2 of “Should divorce really be the next step?”

May 10, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

Click to Download FREE

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • When a marriage breaks down – What do I do?
  • Marriage is a dance – A dance most couples kill
  • “We can’t find a way forward!”
  • Breaking unhealthy relationship patterns
  • Anyone that marries will have trouble!

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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