Why are couples not learning the correct messages from their mistakes?
Every couple I see has fallen into the same traps leading them to horribly upsetting life conditions.
Couples spend years building lives together.
They plan families and build homes together.
They create lives, yet they spend little time learning the timebomb in their own relationship.
So many couples come to me saying they cannot believe they are sitting in front of me looking for this type of help.
So to help you, I’m going to share some observations or behaviours you must not ignore because, with relationship problems, time is not a healer.
Time is a place for resentment to grow when couples don’t deal with their problems properly.
The starting point is here:
In relationships, you can choose to make a situation better or worse please notice the choices you are both consistently making.
The rules of effective relationships say “for the relationship to make sense, each situation must create a win-win outcome.”
This means if your partner loses, so do you, so please get the trend right.
If you have an intent that is good and you notice your partner is consistently not connected to your good intentions, this needs fixing quickly, as it can breed contempt.
When intent is misunderstood, your partner is either not understanding what you are trying to achieve, or you are not connected to why they don’t understand.
Either way, the outcome won’t be good.
The next problem is to understand why your partner is different.
Not understanding your partner’s nature or primary needs may lead a person to judge that they are right and their partner is wrong.
Different isn’t wrong.
In most cases, I see that differences equal unrealised potential strength.
Many people can find themselves trying to be what their partner wants, leading to a catastrophic loss of connection with themselves.
That means they have to go outside the marriage to reconnect with themselves.
One of the most dangerous behaviours in marriages is when one person feels the need to withdraw.
The reason this is so bad for marriages is that feelings come from giving.
Lack of contribution will lead to loss of feelings, and this leads to loss of love.
So people need to feel safe to contribute.
Fearful people stop giving unless they are in a pleasing model. Resentful people don’t give, and people whose needs are met outside the marriage don’t give.
When you put all the areas above together, what you will see is a loss of meaningful connection.
You see, one of the biggest crimes I see in our education growing up is our inability to understand how our partners’ emotional connection model is so different from our own on many levels.
- So what creates an emotional connection in each partner?
- What creates emotional security in each partner?
- How are our primary needs different?
- What do we value?
- How is emotional attraction created in each person’s mind differently?
With so many differences, we are all going to be confused, and it’s why so many marriages don’t last.
The solution is very simple if you want your marriage to last, then understanding the differences will enable you to get the best out of yourself and your partner.