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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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Mistake to avoid if you want to stop a divorce

In todays post I’ll share the one thing everyone that comes to see me is doing that’s almost guaranteed to make their relationship worse.

The fundamental challenges that I see in so many people who’s relationship is struggling is their desire to focus on themselves and what they are not getting.

This is a serious problem because the moment two people are focused on what they are not getting the relationship starts accelerating towards a more permanent disconnect.

People are tending to focus their energy on what their partner is doing that’s bad in their eyes or on what their partner should be doing (in their eyes) but is not.

Essentially their focus is on themselves and their own missing needs.

This level of thinking that’s ‘ME’ focused is guaranteed to lead the relationship into a negative state and can lead both people to become a mirror of self-interest and self-protection.

This outcome is a disaster for any relationship because it results in no one adding value to their connection and so the relationship stops growing and starts dying.

The rule of thumb for success in any walk of life is in a persons ability to add value.

I remember listening to a billionaire being interviewed. He was asked for the secret to becoming a billionaire. He said it’s simple “solve a billion-pound problem” 

The wealthy know that adding value in a meaningful way to their customers is a foundation for their success. 

This fundamental understanding and practice for success is true in every walk of life.

In contrast, a person sitting with high expectations of those around them whilst adding very little value should not expect much back.

This is a fundamental law of the universe and is one of the fundamental keys for a successful marriage/life.

The common argument I get back is they have done that.

Some believe that they have been giving a lot for years and their partner is either selfish, mean, lack empathy or they are just incompatible.

Of course they might be right but…

The problem these people face and don’t see in so many cases is they think they are adding value to their partner, but in reality, their actions are massively missing the mark and as a result, their partner is also living in a painful emotional deficit.

Everyone is very different and unless you have both spent significant time understand those differences it’s likely that the differences are seen as failures or problems.

The key to being in a successful relationship is when they start seeing the differences as strengths, but that will take a fundamental shift of understanding and mindset. 

Other people are putting lots of effort into giving their partner what they want, but are unaware of the negative impact of pleasing their partner as a means to gain a reciprocal trade. 

They believe you must give to get back, they are totally unaware this pattern also doesn’t work. 

The give-to-get pattern creates a cycle of expectation and disappointment because the person they are giving to is totally unaware of what the pleaser expects in return.

This disappointment over time can turn into resentment in the mind of the pleaser.

The only method that works for couples that should be together is to contribute to your partner not as a trade, but because what you give to them is a symbol of your core identity and who you are.

It’s staggering how many loving and caring people are no longer connected to those values when they are with their partner.

So why are so many people so self focused are we just selfish?

The simple answer is no – people become self-focused when they are confused or misunderstood and if practised over time it leads them to self-protection.

The problem is so many people are protecting themselves from a partner who is not trying to hurt them.

The hurt is coming from a lack of understanding on both sides of how to understand and add value to each other.

Your partner is going to think and feel differently to you about the same things and unless you both understand these differences and what they mean you will both incorrectly translate what your partner is wanting and trying to say to you.

For example: When a problem strikes men and women have totally different reasons for communicating and so even before they say a single word to each other they are disconnected, their words just make the disconnect worse and so both people cycle into self-protection.

What I help a couple to achieve is how to effectively translate and then add value to each other. 

Essentially the job is to help replace judgement and blame with love and understanding.

Remember passionate loving relationships that last are not found they are created.

Far too many people feel that they need to find a new life and a new lover to experience the love and passion they want.

This is a mistake many make and regret for years.

What they are unaware of it they are just bringing the same lack of skills from their last relationship into the new one.

This is why divorce in second marriages is significantly higher than divorce in first marriages.

Successful relationship building requires education because couples are not designed to understand each other or be the same as each other.

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

“It was like walking through a minefield blindfolded”

November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

One small shift changed her mind & saved her marriage – Part 2 of “Should divorce really be the next step?”

May 10, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

Click to Download FREE

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • “Needy and not needed!”
  • “Discover the No.1 Philosophy of Highly Effective Spouses: From Struggle to Success”
  • “Unveiling the Secrets: How I Mastered the Art of Resolving Relationship Issues”
  • 3 Foundations for a Healthy Marriage
  • Misdiagnosis – Divorce Prevention Part 3

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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