In their droves, people with marital problems come to me wanting me to change their partners’ behaviors.
In fact, many people come to me wanting me to make their partners’ behaviors either more like their own or changed so it makes sense to them.
In today post I’m going to share what this approach actually creates and why it will accelerate the relationship crisis.
So this gentleman gave me a list of all the problems in his marriage and what he needed his wife to do so he could be happy.
So I finished listening to his list.
I then told him that to be fair I would also have to hear her list of changes she wanted him to make for her to be happy.
When she finished giving me her list I said to him that if she had to comply with his every demand it was only fair that he also complied with all of hers.
You could see from his face he wasn’t happy with this arrangement, but I also saw him connected to the problem.
He wanted her to change to make him happy, but he wasn’t happy to do the same for her, to be fair to him his wife wasn’t happy with his demands either.
Both these people are suffering from years of resentment so their desire to comply with the others needs was not high at all.
You simply cannot tell someone what to do especially when the connection isn’t great and they feel they have maintained their personal freedom at the same time.
You see people need to be free to choose the behaviors they want and any support they provide must be of their own choice.
You see loving someone doesn’t mean one person is the boss of their partner, their coach, or their parent and if they don’t tow-the-line an emotional upset will be the result.
That’s too controlling and will kill their connection.
People must be free to love and contribute because they want to, if they have to perform they will either ignore, fight, resent, or eventually leave.
Someone full of resentment is not likely to want to meet their partner needs.
However, a person who is respected and loved will want to do everything they can to learn how to support their partner.
This is why changing yourself before you ask your partner to change is the best way to change your relationship connection.
You can’t force someone to change, just like you couldn’t force them to love you when you first met, these feelings must be allowed to be FREE or they die.
This is at the root of so many couples inability to connect after problems.