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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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My partner won’t let me forget the past

Why is it some people struggle to let go of the past? Are they bad partners are they being difficult? Do they want your life together to be miserable?

Of course not, but does their action spoil the couples connection?

On one hand, it does, but if someone is holding on to the past, the connection for that person is already spoilt which is why they keep the past alive and keep bringing it up.

If you look for the positive intent, they are bringing up the past because they are fed up with feeling connected to it and so they hope it might help, in most cases, both people usually end up feeling worse because they don’t know what to do.

To be crystal clear shutting the person down leaving them alone to suffer from this feeling is also not the answer as it can lead them to destructive outcomes for the marriage.

Some people will live with constant worry, expecting another bad thing will happen.

Some people are generally not thinking about bad past events until there is a conflict and the – what about what you did – conversation brings up every wrong yet again.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a memory or a problem from six months ago, or sixty years ago, people can be motivated to keep bringing up past problems.

The reason they do this is :-

One reason is the problem for them is unresolved, the problem may have physically gone away, but the problem is still alive in that person for some reason.

Other people use the past as a defense or as a weapon to rebalance an argument and they go round in circles.

Others holding onto the past and are fearful about the future. They are concerned the past problems will appear in their future.

Some can go into deep anxiety losing all connection with themselves making any connection very difficult, these people will feel very stuck.

I remember one couple in their 50’s came in for help.

When I asked for a summary of their challenge the lady instantly pointed out her husband had an affair a year after they were married.

Th husband in disbelief said that was 25 years ago!

I had to point out to him that for her emotional system it’s like it happened recently because for her the problem has not been properly resolved.

She hasn’t brought it up with you, but it’s still alive in her. She probably didn’t say anything after a while because of your reaction, head down he nodded.

Would you both be happier without this focus in your lives? Yes of course, but she can’t just forget it, it’s a process and you and I need to support her so she doesn’t need to hold onto this anymore.

Women do tend to hold on to past events more than men, but I have met many men who suffer from this too.

I see many couples who once they have understood their problems and have responded to them as a team can look back at the problems as the time that woke their relationship up and put them back on track.

Understanding their problems saved their family.

So people can roll their eyes as their partner brings up the same old problems, yet again!

Or they can find out why it’s happening and discover what you can do on your own or together to recreate a new healthy connection.

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

“It was like walking through a minefield blindfolded”

November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

One small shift changed her mind & saved her marriage – Part 2 of “Should divorce really be the next step?”

May 10, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

Click to Download FREE

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10 Harley Street
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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • “Needy and not needed!”
  • “Discover the No.1 Philosophy of Highly Effective Spouses: From Struggle to Success”
  • “Unveiling the Secrets: How I Mastered the Art of Resolving Relationship Issues”
  • 3 Foundations for a Healthy Marriage
  • Misdiagnosis – Divorce Prevention Part 3

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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