Many couples are attracted to Performance Coaching strategies to rebuild their marriage because they are interested in learning a forward thinking strategy and tools that enables them to see how they can get themselves out of a horribly painful situation and into a connected and happier passionate relationship.
At the end of this post is two examples of couples that were horribly stuck, one lady wouldn’t have sex with her husband and the other couple with divorce on the cards due to significant emotional disconnection and an addiction to looking at other females in front of his wife.
Couples are asking for easy steps that will help them get out of their own personal hell, they don’t want to rake over their past, discuss what happened in their childhood or spend week after week focused on their problem they know will make them feel bad.
They want to see a path, they want to feel hopeful, they want to know what to do and they want to know if they put all this effort in will it work?
Couples want to feel better not worse on their quest to solve their connection challenges. They have been through enough pain why put them through more?
What they want is a way forward that respects their pain and suffering, doesn’t ignore the problems, but shows them a path to a better life.
The way I see it the couples who come for my help usually both know deep down that they could have done better in their marriage, but they are struggling with what they really need to do differently.
Essentially what I see is they are stuck in a pattern of thought, meaning and behaviour not necessarily in that order.
Generally they are both fighting with past resentments and a part of them feels they need to protect themselves from their partner and a future of more problems.
Some struggle to see a future together and some are just very skeptical about if it’s even possible to rebuild something that feels so broken.
What all these people are noticing is they have lost not only a connection with their partner, they have lost a connection with who they really are when they are with their partner.
Many notice they feel better outside of their relationship with work and friends.
Obviously every couple is at a different stage and different level of severity so they will need a different strategy and tools which is what they receive.
My focus with all these couples is performance related because when they are able to bring the best possible version of themselves to their life it connects them to a fulfilling energy.
I am looking for away to help them both become more effective and more valuable partners to themselves and each other.
So there is three parts to this, how do I become the best possible me and what is really in the way of becoming that person, and what does my partner really need?
Performance Coaching for couples is a strategic way to help couples see their problem from a more empowering position.
What many couples are doing is seeing their problem the same destructive way over and over again. This traps them into the same old patterns, same old power struggles, same old conflicts.
So going over the same old problems either at home or with a someone trying to help them has the potential to simply reenforce the pattern and prove incompatibility. So this is not an effective strategy.
What’s key to understand is the challenges in the person are usually are very deep, so they don’t consciously connect to what they are doing which sabotages them.
Every situation has the potential of many new perspectives and truths, so helping the couple see other truths brings new meanings and a potential of a better future.
Couples need to have hope, but they need hope that has substance and so they can hear that their problem can potentially be solved.
What my clients discover is as they follow my specific steps is their belief system can change as their feelings shift through new understandings of personal empowerment and new intelligence.
What this does is create a shift from uncertainty and fear, to a new certainty gained through the competence of understanding what to do and how to show up in their relationship so it works for both people.
Essentially what I’m seeing is couples are losing or have lost confidence in their relationship because past events have killed the certainty their relationship will be a source of pleasure. What they are starting to experience is their certainty is more associated pain and suffering…
… so of course they have attached that painful feeling to their partner. Of course this feeling is real but is the attachment to their partner fair?
What a new understanding creates is a new confidence because they can understand what is really going on and how to show up differently in their life.
Look at two blocks below that have disabled people to become confused at their relationship and if a future was possible.
- After helping a couple reconnect after struggling for many years we were left with one problem.She wanted to have sex with her husband but wouldn’t.
She new if they didn’t have sexual connection their relationship could die and she new this.
So what was in the way?
Their relationship had been disconnected for sometime we successfully rebuild the relationship and now she was ready, but she was still blocked.What we discovered something interesting.
She felt that if she did have sex and it was bad sex it would mean the attraction was gone and they would have to divorce. So the sex was far too risky.
Having sex with her husband could mean divorce and so the pressure to perform was immense.From the husbands perspective, not having sex with him was a sign she didn’t love him and so he could begin to protect himself from her.
By taking the pressure off that first time meant sex was no longer risky.
- One gentleman 3 years ago was so disconnected to his partners emotional experience all he could see was her complaining about him and so his mind had wondered to other women.
He couldn’t help but look at attractive girls everywhere and dreamt of a new life.
The addiction to looking at other girls had taken over and was automatic and this just made his wife even more disconnected as she felt even more insignificant, and unloved so she left him.
Months had passed he didn’t know what he wanted and his wife was prepared to give him once last shot, but she was skeptical.
He was struggling to feel love for his wife and the reason was he had practiced protecting himself from her. It had become a pattern.As he learnt how he worked and why he had shut down and what his wife historic behaviours really meant he learnt he could see a safer route to feeling good in the relationship again.
He noticed his feelings came back and he took steps to look after her. The other girls once an addiction now had became a source of pain to him and so all his energy was directed into his wife.
As she connected to his now authentic and protective love and desire they reconnected.
If you have connected to this and are now looking for help forget to get on the list to speak with Stephen so he can help you understand what you should be doing to get the best from you and your current situation. Click here
If you are interested in working with me here is what’s possible.
Some couples are getting help over 12 weeks, some 6 weeks. Some ask for a years support. Some are asking for just 3 hours and some some are asking for a full day with me.