For a relationship to be successful, lasting and passionate an important foundation is trust and keeping trust alive, it’s critical for the couples survival.
For any relationship to work couples need to feel that their partner has their back and has their best interests at heart.
Trust is usually built or destroyed through testing times.
When problems strike and the couple deal with their problems effectively as a team their connection will become solidified because they’ll feel like they are acting as one.
Unfortunately, under stress or crisis, the couple can start to question each other’s commitment to the relationship.
This is compounded as their critical needs are not met and this can start a negative cycle of self-protection.
Far too many couples with escalating problems can discover their partner is more interested in protecting themselves than protecting their relationship and this process can seriously harm their connection.
Couples that deal with problems as a team are the ones that feel more connected and happier to focus on what really grows a relationship.
Couples that are a team will create a focus on energies such as love, passion, joy, fun etc and this is what ultimately builds a far deeper trust.
Trust is built by putting your partner first
Relationships that suffer the most are the ones that make other things more important than their partner, like themselves, work, children, hobbies, they may keep secrets, stop sharing important elements in their lives such as plans and financial situations.
Openness and honesty in all areas of a relationship is critical for trust to grow.
Many couples find themselves in situations where one or both people resort to insults and criticism.
Essentially these individuals are displaying a move toward contempt rather than respect, and this is an indicator the relationship will, in the end, struggle to survive.
Respect and kindness builds trust
Respect and kindness are critical energies if the couple wants to keep trust alive. Each person must feel their partner is invested in each others happiness.
Most couples at some point question, if they can trust their partner and this, focus creates a cause and effect process.
Individuals can struggle to trust the person that doesn’t trust them especially if their partner seems committed to seeing the worst in them.
Not trusting your partner and them feeling untrusted creates a death spiral for couples as this process focuses them on escalating self-protection which kills their connection, love and attraction.
The process of saving a couple from divorce must rebuild their trust through acts that start to demonstrate to their partner that their needs actually matter.
Criticism kills trust
When someone brings harsh language, criticism, disrespectful communication or disrespectful behaviours that person is a significant part of the couple’s problem regardless of their justification for their own lack of care.
Someone may say they want the relationship to be better, but they can make the possibility of reconnection impossible, by keeping the lack of trust alive.
Obviously this is a terrible model to present to children as they can see this process as normal and it can form the pattern of their own future relationships.
A partner’s needs must matter if they don’t then that person is also the problem.
Couples would find even if they treated their partner as if they were “clients” their connection would be significantly better.
Relationships are places of significant vulnerability, many people are fearful they won’t be loved or they are not enough and this worry can help them search for the negative in their partner actions.
Looking for the best in our partners
Looking for positive intent in our partners’ actions is an important step and helping your partner meet their core needs is a fundamental step towards rebuilding connection and their trust.
I also see many people who simply don’t trust themselves to be themselves.
I could see one lady was really kind at her core, but she never brought that kindness energy to her husband so she never felt right about herself and he didn’t feel cared for even if he did try to support her.
We all have a responsibility to be the best of ourselves in our relationships.
Every couple I see comes as the worst version of themselves, some with a justification of why they should keep that energy even though their own behaviour it’s the source of their own pain and suffering.
Being open and connected is a critical foundation for trust and this means even when someone might not feel like being kind or loving their actions must change if they are going to be part of the solution.
Couples don’t experience the world in the same way
I see many couples who have called out to their partners for help, connection, or support. In many cases, the couple is not hearing each other and so the individuals enter into a needs deficit.
The reason for this lack of connection is connected to how each person experiences the world differently and is driven by very different needs.
If we can’t connect to our partners’ experience we won’t see it as important and this can leave our partner feeling disconnected abandoned and alone.
This is painful and if practised will create suffering. This suffering will be painful and each person will attach that pain to their partner and this will grow the feeling that our partners cannot be trusted.
So in many cases loss of trust can be created by our own inability to understand our partners world and what’s important for them.
- What drives your partner?
- How do they want their needs met?
- What are those needs?
- What are they experiencing that’s different to you?
- Are you connected to the gravity of their needs not being met?
- Does your communication create more or less trust?
Trust is formed through connection and the meeting of each others needs, but each person must also trust themselves to be connected to who they are.
Many individuals in crisis have lost connection with themselves and are looking for their partner to change so they feel okay.
In every relationship there are three relationships the ones the couple are having with themselves and the one they create with each other.
Each person needs to learn how to trust themselves and then learn how to trust themselves to trust their partner.
My advice is stop looking for what’s wrong anyone can do that.
The skill in a relationship is to find the good, find the positive intent and help the person you have chosen, you may just find the process of believing in them brings out the best in them.
I’ve never yet seen a criticised person become a better partner.