Couples across the world are under stress every day by their out-of-control relationship conflict.
The knowledge and understanding of how to resolve conflict in a relationship escapes so many people.
It’s so important to get this part of your relationship right to avoid the stacking of resentments that can lead couples to disconnect and divorce.
There are some core problems that so many are simply not seeing.
No.1 – Stop being defensive
The worst action you can take when a person enters into conflict is to become defensive.
Becoming defensive means your focus is on you and this helps your partner know your priority is YOU and not them or what they are going through.
This erodes connection and kills trust.
Looking for a solution to the conflict means your focus is on them and what they are trying to say to you.
Look at these two approaches to one question. BTW the husband in both situations is NOT having an affair.
Situation 1
A woman says to her husband “are you having an affair”?
The husband calmly turns and walks towards her, holds both hands, and with a big warm smile looks straight into her eyes, and says…
“yes I am”… she gasps
“…I’m having an affair with you my darling” still confident and now playfully smiling.
Situation 2
A woman says to her husband “are you having an affair”?
Husband barks, “why are you saying that”!?
“What’s wrong with you”!?
“Why don’t you trust me”!?
Do you see the difference?
The defensive energy in ‘Situation 2‘ is the person focusing on themselves.
Plus he is being highly critical of his wife and uses that as a weapon which will only upset her further.
If she wasn’t upset at the start of the conversation, guaranteed she will be now.
In ‘Situation 1‘ a potentially negative situation was turned into one of playful reassurance.
In ‘Situation 2′ that’s the start of their conflict and disconnect.
This is just one example of 1000’s of how conflict/misunderstandings starts.
But what about a full blown conflict what do you do with that?
How to resolve conflict in relationships
The key is to move your focus away from yourself and becoming defensive.
So until at least one person wakes up two people have the potential to really hurt each other and their connection.
Words are powerful from a loved one so you must be careful that what you say doesn’t stick.
The goal in any conflict with a partner must NOT be to win the argument.
If one person wins the other loses and that means you both lose.
The focus that’s important is to understand what might be going on for your partner?
In intimate relationships getting to the bottom of the real problem can be confusing.
So understanding the upset is not the best first step as someone wanting to understand could also be someone wanting to judge.
For example:-
“You shouldn’t be upset over that, that’s ridiculous” they might say.
What’s important is not why they are upset, what’s important is the person you say you love is upset.
Caring about how someone feels without judgement is a powerful position and has the potential to build back connection and trust.
What do I do when the attack is so personal
For many, perceived personal attacks cause the biggest triggers that put couples into instant conflict.
This will lead the person to instant self-defense and this is like a snowball effect of negative energy.
What this needs is a new way of understanding what your partner is really trying to achieve if they do this.
Are they really trying to hurt me or is something else going on?
Dealing with these conflicts so you trigger your partner to feelings they would like rather than to feelings they don’t like takes a totally new mindset.
To get to this new mindset you have to understand the bigger picture of what you are actually dealing with.
Look at this example below.
They were constantly in conflict
Working with one lady who was constantly raging at him, husband was at a loss of what to do.
He felt he had tried everything.
She was easily triggered, she knew something was wrong, but she couldn’t put her finger on the real problem was.
She had a few ideas, but I could hear she was not really seeing the root of their relationship conflict.
This is why she wasn’t helping her husband to help her, she didn’t know either.
He had tried a few things
- Husband had tried reasoning with her – she got worse.
- He tried walking off – she didn’t speak to him for days.
- Husband tried staying with her, but she just ranted at him.
- He even tried staying in a hotel nothing worked.
The husband was out of ideas, but just because he didn’t know what to do doesn’t mean a solution isn’t there.
You see the moment he can understand what her upset energy is for then he can start to help her.
If he keeps looking at her problem from his perspective he will never come across the answer.
Many upsets are not an attack at all. They are a cry for help, the more personal they are the more pain the person is in.
If neither person is understanding what is going on the problems will stay.
The bigger goal is not to try to stop problems they will always be there.
The goal is to deal with problems effectively and each couple will need individual solutions and strategies.
What’s important is not to suppress the energy a conflict creates.
The goal is to redirect that energy into the fun part of the couples connection.
Getting this right can totally change your lives together.
How to resolve conflict in relationship
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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