How healthy is your relationship really? Below is a quick test you can try with your partner.
We live in a society of quick fixes, we are conditioned to be more focused on cures rather than prevention and this focus is causing us all problems.
So in a quest to help you avoid or deal with relationship trauma here are some thoughts you can take on-board, or throw to one side until it becomes important?
You can see this lack of focus on prevention is in my sessions, the average client is aged 40-50 and have arrived with significant marriage trauma. They have usually spent years practicing how to destroy their relationship without knowing and they have become really good at it.
Ironically they had felt the relationship had been wrong years before, but hoped it would go away (If this is you please act now).
Rarely do I get clients in their 20s (for those that do come I applaud you) and the feedback I do get is, looking at their relationships before they have problems is boring and they just want to have fun.
Who can blame them.
I do understand totally, but what these young minds are heading for as I was, is potentially painful and very expensive, but I do remember being 20 and I never listened either.
So this post is for all ages and for those that think it’s boring, out of all the things to brush under the carpet this really isn’t one of them, I promise!
Don’t believe me? These are normal situations I see everyday.
- Don’t end the man that walks into my session with his wife holding the divorce papers she served him at the weekend, about to lose his kids, half his income and have no idea they were in this much trouble.
- Don’t be the woman doubled up in pain because her husband had shut down and walked out on her because she was impossible to please.
- Don’t be the couple that has to break up because they can’t find away to live together even though they love each other and their children.
- Don’t be the couple that do stay together, but live without passion and intimacy.
You see couples that are in trouble share very similar traits and we can learn from them.
- They didn’t plan their future together in enough detail. Their plans stopped at kids and life became boring.
- They had no real idea how to communicate their needs so their partner had to guess and usually got it wrong so gave up.
- They didn’t understand how to grow closer through conflict and so resentments stacked.
- They didn’t realise how different men and women are and couldn’t work out why they were having trouble communicating so assumed they were incompatible..
- They didn’t understand what had to happen for the passion to stay in the relationship and had lost their connection now they are more friends than lovers.
- They didn’t understand the importance of being honest with each other and respecting each others feelings no matter what. So they had to change themselves to cope with the relationship and now they feel wrong – detached numb and looking for a way out.
Quick Relationship Health Check Questions
Score each question out of 10 points.
10 points equals this is happening and you’re really happy.
0 points equals this is not happening and not happy at all.
- Do you and your partner have regular conversations about where you are heading together? Remember without growth a relationship is dying.
- Do you feel you understand how to meet your partners critical needs?
- Does your partner really understand how to meet your critical needs?
- Do you grow closer though conflict, or are you stacking resentments.
- Do you think your partner really wants to understand you?
- Are you happy with your sex life?
- Are you allowed to be all of who you are and you are loved and accepted?
- Do you communicate well?
What did you score? The goal is to get 56 points or higher out of 80
- How should your relationship be today?
and how is it really?
When there is a gap between these two thoughts the person will usually experience emotional discomfort.
Do this with your partner and find out what how they score your relationship.
Remember you can either become a team working together towards a future you both desire, or you can be at war and heading for trouble.