Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Advisor | Harley Street London

He said “I never tell her I love her, she just knows it doesn’t she? After all I married her didn’t I!” His parents divorced when he was 14 and his relationship is heading the same way. Because to him this behaviour is normal he hasn’t made the connection to why his relationship is dying!

On the whole people learn their relationship skills from their teachers who are usually just as lost as they are today: Their parents!

I have put together a list of some of the behaviours I see and hear that are likely to cause problems.

    1. Couples tell me that love is important all the time, yet when challenged their love is clearly conditional. “I won’t give love unless…they do, or I feel safe, or I feel important, or I feel respected… the list goes on!”
    2. If I give to my partner, what will I get in return? If anyone gives to get, they are trading for what they want and this is guaranteed to kill their sex life dead!
    3. Couples think punishing each other works? Yet it never occurs to them that whenever they are punished they don’t feel more love, so they are killing the relationship bit-by-bit.
    4. Couples don’t create a plan or a direction for their lives together past having children. They then become fearful because of the relationship because it’s going no-where.
    5. Women repeat the same message to their partners over and over again hoping he might understand – he won’t his way of thinking is totally different to a womans.
    6. People spend years getting trained to get a job, but no time understanding how to create a successful relationship. Strange when not being loved is one of the top human fears.
    7. Couples spend average of £15K (average price of a wedding in 2011) getting married and no time or money understanding how to grow it and keep it. Without solid foundations any home will fall down in a storm!
    8. Couples with relationship problems worry about the cost of getting relationship help, but will spend £10,000’s – £100,000’s on a divorce and on-going maintenance fees for years.
    9. Men think that when she’s quiet all is well. He is usually unaware he is living with a live volcano, that will erupt
    10. Some women think he’s a mind reader and should just understand her.!?
    11. Couples understand what values are, until you ask them.
    12. Men think that the power in the relationship is the money, for her it the least important.
    13. Polarity is the most important element in any relationship, yet no one knows what it is!
    14. Reverse polarity most common reason for killing a couples sex life.
    15. Many couples have little idea how to meet each others core needs and then wonder why the intimacy dies.
    16. Number one reason for divorce, loss of intimacy!
    17. The individuals most resistant to seeking help are usually the ones that need it the most.
    18. Men and women are totally different. Most people know this yet don’t understand it so they ignore it.
    19. Many people go into relationships to get their needs met! Then wonder why their needs are not met. There are givers and there are takers, only one of these works.
    20. She thinks he is ignoring her because he no longer loves her. He doesn’t know how to be successful with her so he stays away to protect the relationship.
    21. When the relationship stops meeting the needs of the couple, they automatically go outside the relationship to feel good again.
    22. I don’t know what to do to save my relationship so the best action to take is nothing.
    23. It’s all about me! – Guaranteed path to relationship breakdown.
    24. Relationships should be a natural thing and so if we are in conflict, clearly we are incompatible. After 5 failed relationships and a trail of kids this model might come into question.
Stephen Hedger
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