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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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She 100% wanted a divorce UNTIL she learnt this…

So when a person has spent years suffering in a marriage it stands to reason that leaving that marriage is the correct decision.

Well… the answer to this is not always.

There are certain situations where someone can make a decision to leave their marriage and discover later they have made a terrible mistake and will have to live with that regret forever.

For those that have children, they can then suffer from terrible guilt.

My regular readers know I’m not a fan of blindly fixing all relationships because some people really shouldn’t be together…

…BUT I am a huge fan of helping people discover their truth.

So the story you are about to read can relate to many of my past clients, to help you to see what I saw I’m going to share one particular story.

A lady married with small children had decided her marriage was over and told me so in the first session whilst her husband sat helplessly looking at the floor.

As she explains her story of being married and the problems she faced I could hear very clearly why she felt awful and why she felt the need to go.

Her husband was clearly terrified of this life-changing situation and was willing to do anything to convince his wife to stay – he loved her but she was not convinced.

He said she was correct that everything she was saying about his past behaviours was true but until now he had never really understood the true gravity of her complaints because to him they were not big issues.

His lack of connection to her very real problems resulted in her feeling alone and rejected.

So over the years she had become emotionally disconnected from her husband as he didn’t seem to care about what she was feeling and she was exhausted as a result.

The moment she told her husband she couldn’t continue with the marriage and was leaving him the gravity of what she had been sharing historically hit him like a train…

…but for her, it was now too late.

She told me that what seemed to be a total U-turn in his care and attention was, on one hand, good, but it had taken years of her being in pain for him to see this and so she couldn’t now trust him.

It was too little too late, she no longer loved him.

So, at first sight, you could argue she was right to leave him.

BUT I was not convinced that his lack of care historically was at the root of this problem.

So I spent time with both people separately so I could explore my thoughts with each person.

One of the problems I noticed was this lady had lost connection with her true self. This alone would help her to feel very uncomfortable, emotionally empty and feel exhausted all the time as a result.

Essentially she had shifted into a trust no one and protect me energy – this wasn’t her at all at core, she was a naturally loving and giving person.

This process of losing herself was at the root of why she had lost her love for her husband, you see you can’t protect yourself from someone and still keep the love alive – it’s impossible.

So her love for her husband had been dying BUT what she didn’t know was she was creating this new self-destructive feeling.

She took this feeling as a sign the marriage was naturally wrong for her so the need for self-protection accelerated.

We also discovered she had used this shutdown pattern when she felt unsafe in her childhood so it was armour she could call upon when she needed it.

She had no idea this was destructive for her as an adult.

So this lady had shut her own feelings down without knowing it by using an outdated protection pattern – this had to change to a far better way to protect her.

She needed a protection pattern that connected her emotionally not disconnected her from herself and in turn her husband.

When I spoke with her husband I knew he really loved her, but as with all men that attend my sessions they really don’t understand their wives and the emotions their wives are going through.

Ironically wives that believe their husbands should understand them also don’t understand their husbands.

Sadly the wives believe their husbands either should understand or if they don’t there is something wrong with him or he doesn’t love her – to all women reading this I have never met a man that understands her emotions and I too was once in that camp.

Men are REALLY not equipped to correctly translate what a woman needs and he can inadvertently hurt her in his quest to look after her.

In this case, he kept telling her to ignore her feelings because that’s what he does when problems strike. Make your feelings smaller focus on the positive was his fix to her problems.

This was devastating for her so she stopped trying to connect with him because she felt he didn’t care – she was very wrong.

It’s not he didn’t care it’s that he didn’t know how to.

In fact, I had to tell her that the pain she was going through for all these years would also be mirrored by her husband.

She had never considered he was suffering too.

What you were failing to see was he was in pain too simply because you were not happy and he had no idea how to help you so he was failing so he became lost too – just like you.

She began to cry…

I told her I didn’t know for sure if your marriage is right or wrong for you but, if you give it a chance you could avoid stressing your family unnecessarily.

She agreed.

To get her to this point took just a few meetings –

  • I took her through processes to help her reconnect with her true identity.
  • I helped her see for herself how she created her own feelings good and bad
  • She learnt how to interrupt bad feelings and choose better ones
  • She learnt how to connect to powerful feelings she had forgotten about that would give her confidence

Essentially she learnt how to become resourceful and confident and why it’s so important to never slip into a survival pattern that disconnected her from herself again.

She told me that her depressive and anxiety had shifted and was replaced by a far happier feeling.

This was the energy I needed her in to learn if her marriage was the right one for her.

She felt terrible that through being so consumed with her own self and pain she had failed to see what her husband was going through at the same time.

I feel it’s so important to help couples learn before you make life-changing decisions it’s critical to see the full picture before you throw in the towel.

This lady was in danger of either repeating the same destructive problems with someone new or giving up on love forever.

This new understanding was a gift she could pass onto her children and this created a far better connection with herself.

Her big concern was after living so disconnected from her husband could her love return?

The answer is if the relationship becomes a place where you are free to be yourself and there is a flow of healthy energy that creates attraction then yes the love can return.

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

About Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger is known as the most sought after marriage in crisis specialist in the UK. He is famous for consistently and naturally saving many marriages from divorce. He is a favourite of business leaders, business owners, Judges and celebrities.

Stephen runs his meetings from his office in Harley Street London and supports his global clients over Zoom.

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A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

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When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

One small shift changed her mind & saved her marriage – Part 2 of “Should divorce really be the next step?”

May 10, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

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Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • “STOP making YOUR partners upset about YOU!”
  • “Never try to change your partner”
  • Retired couple in crisis “We should know better at our age!”
  • “He wants to leave the marriage”
  • Never make anything more important than your partner – Mini Post

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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