In todays post I’m going to share a conversation I had with a couple who were in real trouble with no clear route to success.
When a couple comes for help one of my first jobs is to stop that destructive circular pattern because going round in circles does NOT create more love and growth. What it creates is frustration, anger, and sadness, the very poisons that accelerate the relationship towards separation and divorce.
Couples can hit conflict because they are so focused on their problem(s), but when they see what caused their problems they are usually both happy/relieved to be on the same side solving the problems which is what we need.
You see relationship problems create battles where we have two people battling for their cause. What needs to happen is the couple need to learn what the real problem is so they can fight to shut down their destructive patterns and fight for the actions that will lead them back to love.
Lets look at an example:
What if a man seems to not be interested in the relationship, the more she complains and the more upset she becomes the more he seems to move away.
Frustrated she tells me her problems with him and he quietly sits and listens. She wants him to connect with her. She wants him to take action. She wants him to take an interest in her and talk to her.
His lack of interest and energy is killing her and she needs him to change.
He goes through the motions at home and has taken to sleeping in the spare room and that was the trigger for seeking my help.
So the problem they have come with is his lack of interest in her, the relationship and life.
So I asked him a question.
“Do you love her?” “Yes” he replied
“Can you see she is in pain? “Yes”
“Do you want her to be this upset?” “No of course not” he replied.
You could see the confusion and frustration on her face.
“You want to please her don’t you?” “YES!” he replied, instantly she threw her arm in the air in total disbelief.
“So what is stopping you?” I asked.
“I have tried…” he said “…but nothing works and as you can hear she is much better at communicating than me”
“Does she love you?” I asked, “I don’t know any more, the way she speaks to me tells me she really hates me.”
“WHAT!” she screamed now totally frustrated and confused.
He went on… “Whatever I do or say is wrong so I just keep my head down hoping this terrible time will pass”
Can you see what has happened in this relationship.
She thinks he’s not interesting in her and he questions her love for him so he has shut down and withdrawn, both people feel unloved and rejected.
She had no idea how he was really feeling and he never knew her frustration and anger was her cry for help.
He didn’t respond well to being shouted at and she couldn’t cope with being ignored.
So the question now is how can you help this couple become a team?
The goal is to help them reconnect to their true selves in the relationship. He had become weak and she had become the woman who kept making him wrong and putting him down.
Neither of them were happy with this and they were dying, this dynamic had killed their attraction and so their sex life was now dead.
So I had to help them firstly see their real challenge, take responsibility for their part in the death of their relationship and put them back in charge of themselves.
My goal for him was to help him learn how to listen to what she was really saying. I needed him to become much stronger and learn how protect her not just physically, but emotionally too. I wanted him to help her feel like a woman again. She may come across as strong and scary, but really she was just fearful that she was not enough for this man she loved.
For her my goal was to help her reconnect with her feminine self, she had to learn how to stop taking control as the fixer and allow him to be the man in the relationship. She was tasked with helping him to feel like a man and help him feel important to her in the way he needed.
For both people the mission was to create a safe foundation where desire for each other could grow again.
This would then build the next key platform where they could design a future that they could both become excited about.
You see helping this couple learn what the battle was really about helped them use their own unique strengths to become part of a team where love could be their goal.
Many couples struggle to see the real problem because they are so focused on themselves and what they were lacking.