• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

New Clients: +44 (0)845 519 4808

Existing Clients +44 (0)20 3793 2829

Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

  • Home
  • Private Coaching
  • Marriage Breakthrough Program
    • Couples Coaching
    • Individual Coaching
    • FAQs
  • About
  • Success
  • Initial Consultation
  • Blog

“The blame game – dealing with conflict”

One of the most common patterns couples get into is the blame and defend pattern. This is a pattern where one person is sharing their perspective about a situation and their partner becomes defensive and then they counter-attack.

I set-up these kinds of exchanges in my session so I can spend time learning how they fight with each other. I need to learn their pattern so I can help them create a new pattern that will effectively deal with their future in a way that protects their marriage.

There are many patterns that couples can get into but, this one will illustrate the need to think differently and ask better questions.

What most people are unaware of and what I spend significant time teaching is how to hear what your partner is really saying because if the translation is wrong your subsequent behaviours will create more problems.

Look at this couple’s conflict and what I had to help them see.

It starts with his wife words to him…

Wife: “You said XYZ – I now can’t trust you, see this is who you really are!”

Husband: “No I didn’t you’re putting words in my mouth, but what about what you did?”

Wife: “You’re such a liar, see this is why I’m not safe with you”

Husband: “What are you talking about now, what do you mean safe? How dare you and what about what you’ve done!”

Wife: “I knew I shouldn’t have married you!”

Husband: “WHAT!!!!”

The result: He ended up feeling flabbergasted at where she ended up and she just wanted to be on her own.

My mission was to help them understand
there was another way to understand
this exchange.

This is the type of exchange that makes both people feel awful about themselves their partner and the relationship.

Why would any couple think this is the way to deal with their problems? Looking at this logically anyone would call this pattern madness.

The problem couples are in is they don’t see what’s really going on and how to deal with it effectively – the key was to get them out of this pattern.

The problem is couples are not asking any questions as they engage or if they are and they keep practising this pattern they are not asking the right questions.

This means they are reactive and running destructive patterns blind to the damage they are creating.

Most people want to be happy and don’t relish the idea of constant fighting yet blindly they either have the same old argument or they argue about nothing.

The three critical questions are:

Q1. What are they both trying to achieve?

Q2. What are they not seeing?

Q3. What do they need to do differently?

When I look at this very common pattern what I see is very different from what the couples are seeing.

What looks like a ridiculous argument to most people is simply a misunderstanding of what they are both trying to achieve.

This is what they are blind to.

The problems are they both think they are having the same conversation – they are not.

In the illustration above

Wife said: “You said XYZ  – I now can’t trust you, see this is who you really are!”

She had assumed he would hear her words and understand this was a cry for help, she hoped he would look after her, listen to her, love her and keep her safe.

In this situation the wife: Was calling on her partner to connect to her feelings because at that moment she was emotionally distressed and needed him to emotionally connect with her and reassure her.

But Husband responded with: “No I didn’t you’re putting words in my mouth, but what about what you did?”

Husband used his logic to translate her words totally missing the pain she was in. By missing her feelings and focusing on his need to defend himself, left her feeling more disconnected and abandoned.

This is why she escalated her message when she didn’t get what she needed: She tried to connect to him again with a strong message to wake him up to the pain she was in.

Wife then said: “You’re such a liar, see this is why I’m not safe with you”

She was not trying to solve the content of the argument she was trying to get him to connect to the pain she was in.

The problem she was not aware of was he would translate her words into him feeling she was attacking and criticising him again and again.

If he keeps experiencing this he knows he can never be successful or happy with a woman like that. This is what leads men to shut down, battle constantly, or leave her.

Unaware of how he is thinking she keeps prodding him to connect, unaware she is actually pushing him further away.

The husband was totally unaware of the pain she was in because his natural conditioning took him to defend himself if he is ever attacked – he could try logic but would watch her become more upset this would confuse him even more.

This is a translation error on his part: If he knew how to hear her words and connect to her pain rather than his own he would be in a position to help her rather than worry her more.

Do you see the challenge?

Both people are totally unaware of the other persons perspective and objective. They are both focused on themselves and what they need.

This is a recipe for more disaster.

You cannot be in a successful relationship if you don’t understand the root of what your partner is experiencing and why.

Your partner is nothing like you so you must learn how to hear what is really being said.

Your partner will not communicate or have the same needs as you do, so you need to understand the framework of understanding so you can build a successful connection.

Once couples understand how to influence each other in a way that connects them, the marriage will stop being a war zone and become a place where love and passion can grow.

In this illustration, this man simply wanted to stop the conflict so he and his wife were ok. He wanted to be able to influence her to stop fighting but he used his logic and his understanding of himself to help her.

All she wanted was to be loved because at that moment she felt disconnected to him, herself and she knew she couldn’t love him from that place – in this emotional place she would suffer.

This is a skill couples must understand because once a person knows they have to keep protecting themselves from their partner their love will die and permanent disconnect is not far away.

Divorce prevention

These are the types of skills couples are learning through the “Marriage Breakthrough Program”. The current climate has pushed clients to work with me over the phone and through video conferencing.

If you wish to apply to work with me to learn these divorce preventing life skills please click the link to apply Click here

Category iconUncategorized

"FREE Call with Harley Street Marriage in Crisis Expert Stephen Hedger"

"In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress."

Get Started Now!

Recent Posts

  • “Never try to change your partner”
  • Retired couple in crisis “We should know better at our age!”
  • “He wants to leave the marriage”
  • Never make anything more important than your partner – Mini Post
  • Never Ignore Your Partner’s Cry for Help – Mini Post

Over 1000 Relationship Articles

 

Categories

  • A thought for Sunday
  • Communication
  • Destructive Patterns
  • Infidelity-Affairs
  • Loss of Love
  • Loss of passion
  • Marriage Coaching
  • Personal Development
  • Rebuilding trust
  • Relationship Stories
  • Retirement Crisis
  • Save Marriage Alone
  • Separation & Divorce
  • Stop & Never – Mini Posts
  • Testimonials
  • Top 10 Popular Posts
  • Uncategorized

Primary Sidebar

Free Blog Subscription

Join over 30,000 subscribers who have looked for insights into intimate relationships why they work and why they don't. Weekly posts join now.....

Popular Posts

  • Built an Empire and lost a Family
  • Marriage in Limbo
  • Rebuilding Connection & Trust
  • Divorce Regret
  • Divorce Prevention
  • Resentment Stacking
  • 36 Principles For Success
  • My Wife is Aggressive
  • A Wise Old Man's Decision
  • I was in tears
  • Tourtured by the past

Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

About Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger is known as the most sought after marriage in crisis specialist in the UK. He is famous for consistently and naturally saving many marriages from divorce. He is a favourite of business leaders, business owners, Judges and celebrities.

Stephen runs his meetings from his office in Harley Street London and supports his global clients over Zoom.

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

“It was like walking through a minefield blindfolded”

November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

One small shift changed her mind & saved her marriage – Part 2 of “Should divorce really be the next step?”

May 10, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

Click to Download FREE

Footer

Sessions currently held over Zoom

If you are interested in Stephens help please call his team on

+44 (0)845 519 4808


Head Office
10 Harley Street
London
W1G 9PF

Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

  • Cloe Hedger (Stephen’s wife)
  • Marriage Breakthrough Program
  • Individual Coaching
  • About
  • Success Stories
  • Over 1000 Articles
  • FAQs
  • Mission: Vision: Values:

Recent Posts

  • “Never try to change your partner”
  • Retired couple in crisis “We should know better at our age!”
  • “He wants to leave the marriage”
  • Never make anything more important than your partner – Mini Post
  • Never Ignore Your Partner’s Cry for Help – Mini Post

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

Apply FOR HELP NOW

Terms & Privacy Policy      Copyright © 2022 StephenHedger.com. All rights reserved. Company No.08279028    Return to top