I’m going to keep this brief and some of you won’t like it. We are all aware that something fundamental is going wrong with marriages as volumes of people today are divorcing, or looking to divorce.
Affairs are everywhere and many are questioning their life together.
Plus you should see the volume of applications I’m receiving over the year – what is everyone missing?
Even the press are contacting me for my view on this escalating problem as they are seeing it too.
So I want to give you a simple and straightforward answer, like I said some won’t like it, but I won’t sugar coat it, the truth although hard will always be your best friend.
If you had sat with me and watched the conveyor belt of couples year after year who have collapsed their connection you would see like I do the same problems keep turning up.
So I feel today is the day I will share this very basic problem that everyone is suffering from. I have shared it before, but this time I’m not holding back in terms of what I see and what you have to do.
Are you ready..?
Your partner is not designed to understand you, in fact, they couldn’t be more different from you if they tried.
The problem starts here…
Any partner who expects their partner to understand them will instantly become the problem in the marriage through their unmet expectations.
Their expectation will create upset in them and the upset in them will then create conflict/resistance/resentment in their partner.
Being upset because someone doesn’t meet your needs is a low-level way of getting through to someone who doesn’t naturally understand.
So the cycle of disconnect begins as they will now attach meanings to their partner not acting the way they think they should.
Whenever I say this to a person with this expectation model some might say “they used to understand me, we’ve been fine for years”!
Whatever has happened in the past this perception is an illusion, because they may have tolerated, but they will have never understood, most simply run out of steam.
Think about it…
Are we really saying that people understand their partner in the beginning and then on mass develop amnesia as the years pass?
The simple fact is they never knew how to understand their partner from day one, people are simply seeing what they want to see in the beginning and seeing the truth later.
If you are going to get to grips with the core of your marriage problems then this one is a must.
You must make the assumption your partner has no understanding of you, and what’s important to you.
Even if you have told them a million times what you say won’t make any sense to them, because their mind won’t translate it the way you mean it.
It’s as ridiculous as being upset with a pet that can’t read.
Your partner doesn’t understand you NOT because they are unintelligent, not because they don’t love you it’s because they are different and are supposed to be.
Too many people assume their partner doesn’t care when in reality their partner’s emotional system is wired so differently that what is important to one person is really not important to the other.
I know many of you know some of this, but for many, it’s hard to accept when how you think is so normal and logical to you.
When I discovered these differences it was a revelation to me.
Every single person on this planet is having a very different experience – and in intimate relationships, the gap is even wider as sexual attraction requires those differences to stay alive.
This is why couples that struggle try to connect do connect but in a way that kills the differences that create sexual energy. So they end up safe and on the same page but passionless, which ironically isn’t safe.
In fact, you can have two people living an identical life under the same roof and both people can create very different perceptual experiences.
So this mission is NOT to beat your partner up because they don’t understand you, because that turns you into an unreasonable person.
The mission is to help them by bringing the best out in them and to achieve that you must understand them.
How will that happen if not understanding them is the natural state for both people?
Now you see the problem we are now back to not understanding them so we default to fear.
We look for what’s wrong and expect them to love us the way we want, but they don’t know how because we don’t know how to teach them.
We don’t teach them either because we don’t know how, or we don’t know we have to. The real problem for many is both reasons.
Ironically when I dig into a couple’s problems the issue is far deeper, they can’t teach their partner because not only do they not understand their partner, but they don’t understand themselves either.
Couples are generally not incompatible they are simply lost with how to connect emotionally and that problem is only exacerbated by unfair expectations.
People end up expecting more from their partners than they do of themselves and what’s worse is they don’t know they are doing it.
All they see is their lack they are filled with resentment and are blind to their part in the problem.
It’s far easier to blame than search for how to take responsibility.
What if everyone swapped their expectations of their partner and put those expectations on themselves to help their partner by learning how they work, what they need, and why they need it that way?
What if we all took the time to understand our partners and then committed to being the best of ourselves whilst bringing out the best in them?
That would mean swapping our judgement and blame for love, care and kindness.
That would mean taking our demands off them and putting demands on ourselves to be better.
That would mean learning how to forgive, and that would mean learning how to become worthy of the relationship we say we want.
What would happen if we stopped asking our partners to perform in a particular way so we are emotional ok and we took responsibility for ourselves?
You see when it comes down to it most people are having a bad relationship because the one they have with themselves isn’t working.
They make themselves unworthy of the relationship they want and then wonder why it doesn’t work.
Relationships should be about, love but for many, they are about avoiding fear so they set their marriage up to be unstable and then complain it doesn’t work.
At the core of this problem is everyone who brings the wrong thinking to their marriage is going to be trying to avoid the very life-blood a relationship needs to survive.
That’s vulnerability.
This is the quality that must be gained for the relationship to stand any chance of surviving.
So the conundrum that most people face is instead of avoiding vulnerability, what if we were to find out how to embrace it so it became our biggest strength?
What if we were to lose the ego and self-protection what if we were to give to others because it’s who we are rather than trading for what we want and getting nothing in return?
Trading for our needs doesn’t work EVER!
You must give without expectations, you must give because it’s who you are.
What you give and how you show up must align with what your partner needs and to do this you must take steps to unlearn what you think you know about them and learn the truth, their truth.
This is critical because you can’t protect someone if you don’t understand what to them equals safety.
- Your safe is not their safe.
- Your connection is not their connection.
- Your route to passion is not their route to passion.
So when these foundational routes are not aligned, how can any couple build a future together?
This is what is happening.
This is the fundamental problem and we are teaching our children that marriages are not safe by showing them how to do it wrong.
The question is what do you want to do about this?
It’s for all the reasons above people are waking up and asking me to help them individually – “help me become a better partner so I can save my marriage.”
Harley Street Expert | Founder & High Performance Coach
With two decades of experience helping couples out of crisis, Stephen the founder of The Marriage Breakthrough Program, uses his proven system for rescuing and rebuilding relationships on the edge of divorce. A trusted advisor to CEOs, entrepreneurs, and industry leaders globally, his work blends emotional intelligence with strategic clarity. Known for navigating highly complex relationship challenges, Stephen helps individuals and couples find clarity and direction when everything is at stake.
Find out more >>> The Marriage Breakthrough Program
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