If you are struggling to connect or communicate today’s post is for you. I’m going to explain what I see and why so many are struggling.
When I first listen to any couple communicate there is always a clear problem and the two people don’t see it.
When they speak their partner doesn’t understand them even though to them they are being crystal clear.
I watch in sessions as one person is sharing their position, I can see the other person is taking away a very different perspective, point or message.
So my controversial point is this; what is the point of getting two people to speak when their comprehension of what is being said isn’t ever accurate?
Wouldn’t that simply make matters worse? “…that’s not what I said…” “… that’s exactly what you said…” “…no I didn’t..!”
I tend to run one test session with them together so I can see the extent of this dynamic and then coach them alone to be able to understand each other before putting them back together.
When I walk the halls of my office in Harley Street which were full of counsellors and therapists all I could hear was couples shouting at each other.
They have 50 minutes to get their marriage back on track and the compounding upset will be solidifying in at least one mind there is no hope, to my mind, this is a risky strategy.
When a couple is in crisis they don’t need to be pushed closer to the edge they need help to safer ground.
I know the couples that come to me are looking for a break from their upset.
They want a new approach, they want less fear and more confidence and so arming them with how to hear what their partner is saying is a critical skill to learn.
Typically when a man speaks what she takes away can be many points and usually, none of them is connected to what he is really saying.
When a woman speaks he simply hears the wrong message and holds her to that message, “that’s what you said!”
This is a recipe for disaster and it frequently happens when the pressure is on.
You see men and woman deal with pressure very differently in a relationship as each person is dealing with a very different emotional driver who has a very different destination.
Both people will be blind to this critical part.
Outside of a relationship men and women operate in similar ways, there are differences, but they are less noticeable the less emotionally involved they are.
This is why living together in an intimate relationship is so challenging who knew the rules had changed?
No one told us!
So if you want to know why you are going around in circles and never on the same page this is why.
I know many think the solution is to get you talking and in theory, it makes sense but only if what is being said is understood.
My message is don’t learn how to communicate we can all do that, what we suffer from is the ability to comprehend.
Like I said, “Comprehension is the king of connection.”
