The trend I see in couples with all manner of problems is a significant decline over time in their desire to invest in their relationship. They spend more time at the office, with their kids, with friends, family or hobbies.
Of course if you don’t feed a relationship what it needs it will naturally die.
The reasons people stop investing are varied
- Circular conflicts
- Power struggles
- Inability to communicate
- Loss of intimacy
- Loss of love
- Emotional detachment
- Loss of passion
- Can’t see a future together
This list could go on and on… BUT are these the REAL reason a marriage will die?
The combination of stacking resentments is going to lead a person to stop investing emotionally in the relationship and will naturally move their energy to protect themselves from their partner.
So when someone protects themselves from their partner this starts the process of switching off their love for them.
Note: You can’t stay ‘in love’ with someone if you have to continuously protect yourself from them…
When a person moves into a self protection mode of being, they will start to feel their partner is NOT a good fit for them. They may have even tried to get through to their partner in the past and now they are giving up, or have given up.
So these are some of the symptoms of why marriages die. BUT…
…What you want to know is the real reason why marriage die.
Think about this… If we could gain the real reason a marriage will die, then we could have a profoundly positive effect on rebuilding our relationship and change it’s direction.
So here it is: The real reason a marriage will die is because couples simply don’t understand each other. Sadly many people think they do and this is what causes them to get out of a perfectly good relationship.
A couple who are struggling to understand each other are going to suffer because how can you be of value to someone you don’t understand?
I watch so many couples when the penny drops, and they become awake to what’s really going on in their relationship.
One gentleman (nearly 70 years old) he said he had been married to his wife for 45 years and naturally over that period of time he knew her very well, but when I started to help him understand his wife from a brand new perspective, her perspective he said “…of course it now all makes sense!”
“I didn’t think she loved me” he said. I told him “No the reverse is true she really loves you that’s why she been behaving this way.
He had been making the wrong assumptions about her behaviour and it had been wearing him down. With a small shift in his knowledge laughing and shaking his head he ran over many stories with me as he rewrote what was going on for her that he never knew.
Still shaking his head, He said why didn’t I know this about her? I told him most people are not aware of how to understand their partner. We are taught that men and women are the same. Men and women are totally different and this difference is hugely magnified in an intimate relationship.
If you think of it this way, men and women have totally different operating systems and totally different needs. This makes them experience the same situation totally differently.
One gentleman was frustrated at his wife in a session “YOU must really hate me!” he shouted
“What?!” She instantly shouted back.
“the things you say to me” he responded.
“I don’t hate you, I love you…”
I could see him shaking his head, simply not seeing how that makes any sense. This is my point women don’t make sense to men and vice versa. This is a real problem for all couples.
Unless a person really understands these differences they are always going to be on a different page than their partner.
When a relationship goes wrong this experience is emotionally painful, but it’s doesn’t have to be this way.
It’s critical to get on the same page fast as you can if you want a successful relationship.
- Each week I’m teaching couples these unique shifts. These shifts are needed in their understanding so they can rebuild their connection, their passion and their future together. If your interested to learn these critical shifts now please make contact with us.
Men and women are not designed to understand each other, so please don’t think that others have got it right and you haven’t. So many couples come to me and tell me all their friends would be shocked they are seeking help, because they are seen as the perfect couple.