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Stephen Hedger

Stephen Hedger

Crisis Marriage Coach | Harley Street London

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The RULES for Being UPSET? – Mini Post

Have you ever noticed that some people can look for ways to be upset, either by a situation, what someone said, or what they think they should have said or done?

These people can feel quite ridged in their approach to life and upsetting them can be easy.

They find so many ways to be upset many observers can conclude they gain some pleasure from being upset.

How people get upset is important to understand and is critical for me to understand why clients do what they do so I can help them out of their problems.

So this next story fascinated me, I remember watching the news one evening and a story came on about a couple who had sextuplets (six babies at once).

I remember the proud father being interviewed by the reporter whilst images flashed up showing all six children wrapped up and in a line on the bed.

I remember thinking how amazing, I then quickly imagined the day-to-day reality, the story ended and I continued with my day.

Six years later the TV was on as I walked through my lounge.

I stopped dead! The news was on and it was that guy again, this time the six children were running, playing, arguing basically doing what kids do in the background.

The reporter asked him a great question.

Now you have had six years of bringing these children up what have you learnt?

He said, “I learnt to get rid of all my rules!”

It was an amazing answer because imagine having rules for six children who would break them every second.

He would always be upset.

He said, as long as they were safe, happy and healthy he decided to stop micro-managing everything they did because when he did he was upsetting himself, his wife and the children.

So he knew his thinking had to change because everyone’s happiness was more important than his rules.

Who knew we have rules?

So when a person gets upset it means they have a rule attached to what happened before they were upset.

So when something happened for them to be upset it must have broken their rule.

Being upset is essentially a rule break.

The problem is many people don’t realise they have rules and are unaware if they are the right rules.

So when a rule is broken they get upset and blame the other person(s).

If a person is going to have life rules then they need to set themselves up for success.

She was upsetting everyone including herself!

I asked one lady about her rules and she looked at me as if I was talking in another language, she had no idea what she was doing to herself and those she loved.

But her problem was she had so many rules that were making her and those she loved unhappy.

Everyone was walking on eggshells around her so the people she loved the most were being hurt and having to change to accommodate her rules, or there would be an upset.

With so many rules other people had no idea what her rules were and were subjected to emotional outbursts from her when they broke them.

This had to change or she would be miserable and alone.

I said to her we have two choices we either have to write to everyone she will meet until the day she dies explaining her rules so they don’t upset her.

Or

We can design better rules that can lead her to a happier life and better relationships.

She had no idea she was doing this and she too decided to let go of the rules that didn’t matter and change the ones that did matter so they could lead her and those she loved to happiness.

People have rules and they don’t know they have rules and many have rules that lead them to destructive behaviours.

Many people would do almost anything to avoid the emotions they don’t want, so they build rules to protect themselves.

They are usually unaware the emotions/fears they are trying to avoid are going to be created by the very rules they are using to protect themselves.

Many people have rules given to them by their own parents and many are outdated or ill-formed.

I recommend my clients learn to understand their ineffective rules and replace them with ones that work.

So I have a good rule to stop conflict, NEVER attach bad rules to situations, especially where a disconnect is always the end result.

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I’m not going to ask you how you “feel", pay me to watch you argue, or try to find the person to blame.

I am looking to discover if the couple can become a team, overcome their problems together and create a dynamic that will create a loving and passionate life together.

My approach is to take you from where you are, to where you want to be… fast!

I can not recommend Stephen highly enough – he not only saved our marriage, but has improved my marriage and myself as a person.

Banker - London

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Do You Want
To Save Your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

A 30 minute call with Stephen

In a short phone conversation, Stephen was able to quickly get to the heart of what the real issue was in our marriage – and why in almost a year of working on our marriage including 10 weeks of marriage counselling through a relationship therapy organisation, we weren’t really making any progress. I found Stephen to be extremely perceptive, as well as empathetic to our situation, while being able to quickly pinpoint the real sticking point in our marriage.
Many thanks
Olivia

Dear Stephen
Thank you for your time to listen to my experience in my marriage. You gave me encouragement to speak out to my partner in confidence. You made me realise that sometimes the way we make comments on each other can aggravate the situation and make it worse. Your advice made me feel revived.

Kind regards

Chipo

Success Stories

Client responds to testimonial

November 11, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

I’m working with this lady, and during the session, she wanted to comment on a testimonial another client had left. As you go through today post, you will see what she wanted to say. Before you get to her words, I want to set the context. I’m not quoting her word for word here, but […]

“I was in tears…” 

October 20, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

‘Initially I went to Stephen with a sole focus on saving my marriage as my husband wanted a divorce whilst I felt I could not let go of the 14 years’ relationship without giving it a second chance. My husband was determined to exit and refused to join the Marriage Breakthrough Programme with me, therefore […]

“Lawyer saves relationship alone”!

July 27, 2021 By Stephen Hedger

“I went to see Stephen when my relationship was at breaking point. The final trigger was my partner’s plan to sell his property and move in with me. We had until then a long-distance relationship and never spent more than about a month together (thanks to the COVID lockdown). I had finally moved to his […]

“It was like walking through a minefield blindfolded”

November 29, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

When relationships go wrong the pain can be unbelievable. Today’s post is about a couple whose relationship was quickly out of control and both people thought it was the end. When I first agreed to meet this couple she arrived first.  She was clearly very anxious, eyes darting, wringing hands, unsure if her husband would […]

One small shift changed her mind & saved her marriage – Part 2 of “Should divorce really be the next step?”

May 10, 2020 By Stephen Hedger

What sits at the core of the most successful marriages. What is it that makes the difference. What is it that helps couples stand the test of time? What is it that helps couples make it through all the ups and downs life has to throw at them? Is sex at the core for a […]

Do you want
To Save your Marriage?

Hi, I'm Stephen Hedger. I'm determined to help couples discover what their marriage is capable of with the right information. My only question is, will it be yours?

Learn more

 

“Free Marriage in Crisis 8 Page Guide”:

Stephen Hedger is a marriage in crisis specialist sought after by CEO’s Bankers, Judges, GP’s, Business Leaders, A List Celebrities and Entrepreneurs Globally


Stephen says when you are in marital crisis it's important to know what to do to make sure your next steps don't make the situation even worse. This short guide written by Stephen is designed to help you take a step back and consider next steps intelligently.

 

Click to Download FREE

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Stephen Hedger offers married couples in crisis across the globe a comprehensive strategic roadmap to overcome their marriage problems. Today Stephen works with Celebrities, CEO’s, Lawyers, Bankers, Royalty, Judges, and business owners helping them transform their family and personal relationships with massive breakthroughs, seemingly against all odds.

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Recent Posts

  • Marriage is a dance – A dance most couples kill
  • “We can’t find a way forward!”
  • Breaking unhealthy relationship patterns
  • Anyone that marries will have trouble!
  • “Identity Secrets”- Mini Post

*Disclaimer:
Any testimonials stated on this page or on any pages on the Stephen Hedger Marriage Coach website/s are proof of our success, naturally, results may vary from person to person.

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